Letter 150

150. To Amphilochius, as from Heraclides

I both remember the conversations we once held with one another, and have not forgotten what I myself said and what I heard from your nobility. And now public life no longer holds me. For though in heart I am the same, and have not yet put off the old man, yet in outward form, and in having removed myself far from the affairs of life, I have seemed at length to have set foot, as it were, on the road of the life that is according to Christ. I sit by myself, like those about to put out to sea, looking off toward what is to come. For those who sail need winds for a fair voyage, but we need one to lead us by the hand and to convey us safely through the salt waves of life. For I reckon that I need, first, a bridle for my youth, and then goads for the course of piety. And the agent of these is plainly reason, now schooling the disorderliness in us, now rousing the sluggishness of the soul. Again I have need of other remedies, to wash off the filth that comes from habit. For you know that we who have long been habituated to the public square are unsparing of our words, and unguarded against the impressions formed in the mind from the evil one. We are conquered too by love of honour, and we do not easily lay aside thinking something of ourselves. For these things I reckon I need a great and experienced teacher. And then too, that the eye of the soul be cleansed, so that, all the darkening that comes from ignorance being removed like some film, it may be able to gaze upon the beauty of the glory of God — this I judge no small work, nor one that brings benefit in small degree.

That your learning both perceives these things, and desires that there should be some help toward it, I know exactly; and if ever God grant that I come together with your reverend self, plainly I shall learn more about the things I must take thought for. For now, through much ignorance, I cannot even recognize of how many things I am in need; except that I have in no way repented of my first impulse, nor does my soul flag toward the goal of the life that is according to God — which you feared on my behalf, doing rightly and fittingly for yourself, lest, turning back, I should become a pillar of salt, as a certain woman suffered, as I hear. But the authorities outside still constrain me, the magistrates seeking me out as though I were some deserter. But what holds me back most of all is my own heart, witnessing to itself those things which I have said.

And since you made mention of agreements, and promised to bring an accusation, you made me laugh in the midst of this dejection of mine, that you are still an orator and do not let go of your rhetorical skill. For I, unless as an ignorant man I altogether miss the truth, think thus: that there is one road leading to the Lord, and that all who journey toward him travel together with one another and walk by one agreement of life. So that where could I go, to be separated from you, and not live with you and serve with you the God to whom we have fled in common? For our bodies will be parted by places, but the eye of God plainly watches over us both in common — if indeed my life too is worthy to be looked upon by the eyes of God; for I have read somewhere in the Psalms that the eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous. For I pray to be present in body with you, and with everyone whose choice is like yours, and every night and day to bend the knee with you to our Father who is in the heavens, and with anyone else who worthily calls upon God. For I know that fellowship in prayers brings much gain. But if, every time it falls to me to groan, cast away in some out-of-the-way corner, lying will assuredly follow me, then I have nothing to set against the argument, but already condemn myself as a liar, if I uttered any such thing according to my old indifference, which renders me liable to the judgement of falsehood.

Coming near Caesarea, in order to learn how matters stood, yet not enduring to approach the city itself, I took refuge in the neighbouring poor-house, that I might there learn the things I wished. Then, when the most God-beloved bishop came there according to his custom, I laid before him the things your learning had enjoined upon us. What he answered, it was not possible for me to keep in memory, and it exceeded the measure of a letter; but in summary, concerning the renunciation of property, he said that this is the measure: that each should reduce his possessions to his last garment. And he furnished us with proofs from the Gospel: one, that John the Baptist said, "He who has two coats, let him share with him who has none"; and another, that the Lord forbade his disciples to have two coats. He added to these also this: "If you wish to be perfect, go, sell your possessions, and give to the poor." He said too that the parable of the pearl bears upon this — that the merchant who found the pearl of great price went and sold all his possessions and bought it. He added to these that one ought not even to entrust to oneself the distribution of one's money, but to the one entrusted with administering the affairs of the poor. And this he confirmed from the Acts: that, selling their possessions, they brought and laid them at the feet of the apostles, and from them it was distributed to each, according as anyone had need. For he said that the discernment of the one truly in need from the one who asks out of greed requires experience. And he who gives to the afflicted has given to the Lord, and from him will receive his reward; but he who furnishes to everyone who goes about begging has cast it to a dog — troublesome through its shamelessness, but not pitiable through any want.

But concerning how we ought to live day by day, he had said but little, in proportion to the greatness of the subject; yet I would have you learn it from that man himself. For it is not reasonable that I should obscure the exactness of his teachings. I prayed to come upon him sometime together with you, so that you, keeping in memory exactly what was said, and adding by your own intelligence what is lacking, might supply the rest. For this I remember from the many things I heard, that the teaching about how a Christian ought to live needs not so much discourse as the daily example. And I know that, if the bond of caring for your aged father did not hold you, you yourself would have preferred nothing to meeting the bishop, nor would you have advised me to leave him and wander into deserts. For the caves and the rocks await us, but the benefits to be had from such men do not always remain with us. So, if you will bear with my counsel, you will dispose your father to permit you to withdraw from him for a little, and to fall in with a man who knows much, both from the experience of others and from his own intelligence, and who is able to impart it to those who come to him.