The Caesars
The Caesars Late Antiquity Julian Greek- Since the god grants us leave to sport — for it is the Kronia — yet I know nothing laughable or delightful, it seems a matter worthy of some thought to speak in a way that is not ridiculous, my friend.
Then who is so dull and old-fashioned, O Caesar, as to play with deliberation? I used to think that play was a relaxing of the soul and a release from cares.
You are right in supposing this; but to me the thing does not seem to come out that way. For I am by nature in no way fitted either to mock or to parody or to jest. But since one must obey the law of the god, would you like me, by way of play, to relate to you a tale that perhaps has much worth hearing?
You would speak, and very gladly too, since I myself do not despise tales, nor do I drive away altogether those that are sound, thinking in agreement with you and with your friend — or rather with our common friend — Plato, since he too took many tales seriously.
You speak the truth in this, by Zeus.
But what sort of tale is it, and from where?
Not one of the old kind, such as Aesop composed, but whether you call it a fiction of Hermes — for I will tell you what I learned of him from that source — or whether the truth is so, or whether it is some mixture of both, the matter itself, as they say, will show.
This proem of yours has already been worked out at once in mythical and rhetorical fashion; but now relate to me the tale itself, whatever it may be.
- You shall hear it.
When Romulus was celebrating the Kronia, he invited all the gods, and indeed the Caesars themselves. Now couches happened to have been prepared for the gods up aloft, at the very summit, they say, of heaven, "on Olympus, where they say is the ever-secure seat of the gods." For it is said that after Heracles, Quirinus too — for by this name one must call him, obeying the divine report — passed up thither. For the gods, then, the banquet had been prepared up there; but just below the moon, on the height of the air, it had been resolved that the Caesars should dine. They were held up both by the lightness of the bodies with which they were now clothed and by the revolution of the moon. Four couches, then, lay ready, made fine for the greatest gods. That of Kronos was of gleaming ebony, hiding much divine radiance within its blackness, so that no one was able to look at it. The eyes suffered toward that ebony, on account of the excess of its brightness, the same thing, I think, as toward the sun, when one looks too fixedly at its disk. That of Zeus was more brilliant than silver, yet whiter than gold; whether one ought to call this electrum or to say something else, Hermes could not tell me very clearly. On golden thrones, on either side, sat the mother and the daughter, Hera beside Zeus, Rhea beside Kronos. The beauty of the gods not even he set forth in words, saying that it was greater and to be beheld by the mind alone, but by hearing and by words neither easily to be set forth nor possible to be received. No one will be or appear so great-voiced as to express that magnitude of beauty which shines upon the appearance of the gods.
For each of the other gods also a throne or a couch had been prepared according to rank. And none disputed it, but, as Homer rightly said — having heard it, it seems to me, from the Muses themselves — each of the gods has a throne on which it is altogether lawful for him to sit firmly and immovably; since even when they rise at the coming of their father, they in no way disturb their seats nor change places nor snatch from one another, but each knows what belongs to him.
So, when all the gods were seated in a circle, Silenus, who seems to me to have been enamored of Dionysus — fair and young, and very like to his father Zeus — sat near him, like a kind of nurse and tutor; and besides being a god fond of play and laughter and a giver of grace, he delighted him, indeed, also by his frequent mockery and jesting.
When the banquet of the Caesars too had been assembled, Julius Caesar entered first, from love of distinction wishing to contend with Zeus himself for the monarchy. Looking at him, Silenus said, "Take care, O Zeus, lest this man, from love of rule, purpose to take the kingdom away from you. For, as you see, he is great and fair; at any rate, if nothing else, in the matter of his head he is at least like me." While Silenus was still jesting in this way, and the gods were not paying him much attention, Octavian came in, changing many colors, like a chameleon — now pale, again becoming red, then black and gloomy and overcast; and again he relaxed into the likeness of Aphrodite and the Graces, and wished the glances of his eyes to be such as those of the great Sun, for he did not deem any of those who met him worthy to look back at him. And Silenus said, "Bless me, what a many-shaped beast is this! What terrible thing will he do to us?" "Stop," said Apollo, "your nonsense; for I will hand him over to Zeno here and at once show him to you as pure gold. But come," he said, "O Zeno, take care of my nursling." And Zeno, obeying, then, by chanting over him a little of his doctrines — like those who mutter the spells of Zamolxis — showed him a man of sense and self-control.
Third, Tiberius rushed in upon them, august of countenance and grim, looking at once temperate and warlike. But when he turned toward his seat, there were seen on his back countless scars, certain burns and scrapes and grievous blows and weals, and from his licentiousness and cruelty certain itches and lichens as though branded in. Then Silenus, saying, "Of another sort, stranger, you now appear than before," seemed to be more serious than his wont. And Dionysus said to him, "Why, then, little papa, are you serious?" And he said, "This old man here, the Satyr, has astonished me and made me, forgetting myself, put forth the Homeric Muses." "But," said Dionysus, "he will drag you by the ears; for it is said that he did this very thing to a certain schoolmaster." "Let him groan, then," said Silenus, "in his little island" — hinting at Capreae — "and curry the wretched fisherman."
While they were still jesting at this, a wicked beast came in. Then all the gods turned away their eyes, and thereupon Justice gave him over to the Avengers, who cast him into Tartarus. So Silenus had nothing to say about him. When Claudius came in, Silenus began to sing the Knights of Aristophanes, flattering Claudius, forsooth, in the place of Demos. Then, looking toward Quirinus, he said, "You do wrong, O Quirinus, in bringing your descendant to the banquet without his freedmen Narcissus and Pallas. But come," he said, "send for them, and, if you wish, for his wife Messalina too. For without them this fellow is a stage-extra of the tragedy, almost lifeless, I might say." While Silenus was speaking, Nero came in with his lyre and his laurel. Then, looking toward Apollo, that one said, "This man is making himself ready against you." And king Apollo said, "Well, I for my part will uncrown him, since he does not imitate me in everything, nor, in the things in which he does imitate me, does he become a just imitator." And when he had been uncrowned, Cocytus straightway snatched him away.
After him many and various ran together — Vindices, Galbas, Othos, Vitellii. And Silenus said, "Whence have you found this swarm of monarchs, O gods? We at any rate are being smoked out by the fumes; for these beasts spare not even the temple itself." And Zeus, looking toward his brother Sarapis and pointing out Vespasian, said, "Send this niggard quickly from Egypt, that he may quench this flame; and of his sons, bid the elder play with the common Aphrodite, but bind the younger, like the Sicilian beast, with a collar."
After these there came forward an old man fair to behold — for beauty shines sometimes even in old age — most gentle to meet, most just in his dealings. Silenus revered him and was silent. Then Hermes said, "But about this one do you say nothing to us?" "Yes, by Zeus," he said, "I blame you for your inequality. For to that murderous beast you allotted thrice five years, but to this one you granted scarcely one year to reign." "But do not blame us," said Zeus; "for I will bring in after him many good men." Straightway, then, Trajan came in, bearing on his shoulders the trophies, both the Getic and the Parthian. And Silenus, seeing him, said — wishing at once to escape notice and to be heard — "It is time now for our master Zeus to look to it, lest Ganymede be kept under guard for him."
After him there came in a man with a deep beard, pompous in other respects and given especially to making music, often gazing into heaven and meddling with secret things. Silenus, seeing him, said, "What think you of this sophist? Is he perhaps looking around here for Antinous? Let someone tell him that the lad is not present here, and put a stop to his nonsense and chatter."
After these there came in a man self-controlled — not in the things of Aphrodite, but in those of statecraft. Silenus, seeing him, said, "Bless me, what pettiness! This old man seems to me to be one of those who split cummin." But when the pair of brothers came in upon him, Verus and Lucius, Silenus was terribly abashed. For he could neither play nor mock — Verus especially — and yet he was meddling even with this man's faults regarding his son and his wife: hers, that she mourned more than was fitting, being besides not even of decorous conduct; his, that he overlooked the empire perishing along with her, though he had in this man too a worthy son-in-law, who would both have presided over public affairs better and indeed have cared for his son better than the son cared for himself. But although he was meddling with these things, he revered the greatness of his virtue; the son, however, thinking him not even worthy of mockery, he let pass; for he too kept falling to the earth, being unable to stand and keep pace with the heroes.
Pertinax came into the banquet bewailing his slaughter. But Justice, pitying him, said, "Yet those who caused this shall not rejoice; and you too, O Pertinax, were doing wrong in sharing, so far as concerns the plotting, in the plot by which the son of Marcus was conspired against." After him came Severus, a man full of bitterness and prone to punish. "About this one," said Silenus, "I say nothing; for I fear his exceeding harshness and inexorability." When his sons too were about to come in with him, Minos prevented them from afar. And having clearly recognized them, he let the younger go, but sent the elder away to pay the penalty. Here was Macrinus the bloodstained fugitive; then the boy from Emesa was driven far from the sacred precincts. And the Syrian Alexander sat somewhere among the last, lamenting his misfortune. And Silenus, mocking him, said, "O fool and great babe, being so old, you did not yourself rule over your own affairs, but gave the money to your mother and were not persuaded how much better it was to spend it on your friends than to hoard it." "But I," said Justice, "will hand over to be punished all those who became accomplices in these things." And so the lad was released.
After him there came in Gallienus with his father, the one wearing the chains of captivity, the other using a dress and movement softer, like women. And Silenus said, regarding the one, "Who is this white-plumed man who leads the army far in front?" and, regarding Gallienus, "Who, having gold everywhere, revels like a girl." And Zeus told them both to go out from the banquet there.
After these there came in Claudius, looking at whom all the gods both admired him for his magnanimity and assigned the empire to his line, deeming it just that the line of so patriotic a man should hold sway for the longest time. After these there rushed in Aurelian, as though escaping those who detained him before Minos; for many suits stood against him for unjust killings, and he was fleeing the indictments with a poor defense. But the Sun, my master, helping him in other matters, and not least in this very thing, assisted him, declaring among the gods, "But he has paid the penalty; or has the oracle given at Delphi escaped you — 'If he suffer what he did, the judgment would be straight'?"
With him there came in Probus, who, having restored seventy cities in not even seven whole years, and having administered very many things with great self-control, yet having suffered unjust things at the hands of the impious, was honored, both in other respects and because his murderers paid him the penalty. Silenus nonetheless tried to mock him, though many bade him be silent; but, "Let me alone," he said, "that through him at least the rest may now be brought to their senses. Do you not know, O Probus, that physicians, when they mix bitter drugs, administer them in honey-water? But you were too austere and always harsh, nowhere yielding; you have suffered things unjust, indeed, yet not unlikely. For it is not possible to rule over horses or oxen or mules, and least of all over men, without sometimes conceding to them something pleasing — as physicians at times allow the sick small indulgences, that in greater matters they may have them obedient." "What is this," said Dionysus, "O papa? Have you appeared to us a philosopher?" "Why," he said, "child, have not you too become a philosopher through me? Do you not know that Socrates also, being like me, carried off the first prize in philosophy among the men of his time, if you trust my brother that he is no liar? Let us, then, not say everything laughable, but serious things as well."
While they were still conversing with one another, Carus, who wished to come into the banquet together with his sons, was driven away by Justice; and Diocletian, bringing with him the two Maximians and my own grandfather Constantius, came forward in good order. They held one another's hands, and walked not in a line, but like a kind of chorus around him, some as if guarding him and wishing to run before him, but he restraining them; for he deemed it right to have no advantage. But when he perceived that he was growing weary, he gave them all that he was carrying on his shoulders and himself walked unburdened. The gods admired the concord of the men and permitted them to sit before very many. But since Maximian was terribly licentious, Silenus did not think it worth mocking him, but did not admit him to the company of the kings at table. For not only was he licentious with every kind of wantonness in the things of Aphrodite, but he was also a meddler and faithless and not in all things in tune with the tetrachord. So Justice drove him out quickly. Then he went off I know not whither over the earth; for I forgot to inquire about it of Hermes.
But upon this all-harmonious tetrachord there grew up a terrible and harsh and disordered system. The two of them Justice did not allow even to touch the porches of the heroes' assembly; but Licinius, who came as far as the porches, Minos quickly drove out, since he had committed many strange offenses. But Constantine passed within and sat for a long time, and after him his children. For to Magnentius there was no entrance, because he had done nothing sound, although many fine things seemed to have been done by the man; but the gods, seeing that these had not been done by him from a fine disposition, let him run off lamenting.
The preparation for the dinner being such, the gods needed nothing — for they have everything — but it seemed good to Hermes to make trial of the heroes themselves, and to Zeus this was not contrary to his mind. And Quirinus too now begged to lead someone over thence to his own side. But Heracles said, "I will not endure it, O Quirinus; for why did you not also invite my Alexander to the dinner? Of you, then, O Zeus," he said, "I ask, if you have decided to lead any of these to us, bid Alexander come. For why, when we are making trial of the men together, do we not set down for the better? Justly to speak," it seemed to Zeus, did the son of Alcmene. And when he came in among the heroes, neither Caesar nor any other rose for him; but, finding an empty seat which the son of Severus had made for himself — for he had been driven out because of the killing of his brother — he sat down on it. And Silenus, mocking Quirinus, said, "Take care lest these men prove worth no more than this single Greek." "By Zeus," said Quirinus, "I think many are not worse. So have my descendants admired him that, alone of all the foreign rulers who have ever been, they name him and consider him great. Yet they do not consider this man greater than those of their own who have arisen — perhaps suffering something from self-love, perhaps also that it is so; but we shall know at once, making trial of the men." Saying this, Quirinus especially blushed, and was plainly anxious about his descendants, lest they take the second place and depart.
After this Zeus asked the gods whether they ought to call all to the contest, or, as is done in gymnastic contests, where the man who masters the one that has carried off many victories, getting the better of one, seems no less to have become superior to those as well who in no way wrestled with him but proved inferior to the one defeated. And such an examination seemed to all very fitting. So Hermes proclaimed that Caesar and Octavian after him should come forward, and Trajan in the third place, as being most warlike. Then, silence falling, king Kronos, looking at Zeus, said he wondered to see warlike emperors summoned to this contest, but no philosopher. "To me," said Zeus, "such men are no less dear. Call in, then, Marcus also." And when Marcus too, being summoned, came forward — exceedingly august, with his eyes and his face somewhat drawn by his toils, yet showing inconceivable beauty in this very thing, in which he presented himself unadorned and unembellished; for his beard was altogether deep, and his garments plain and modest, and through the scantiness of his nourishment his body was most translucent and transparent, like, I think, the very purest and most unmixed light —
when this man too was within the sacred precincts, Dionysus said, "O king Kronos and father Zeus, is it fitting that anything among the gods be incomplete?" When they said no, "Let us, then, bring in here some lover of enjoyment as well." And Zeus said, "But it is not lawful for a man to come within who does not emulate our pursuits." "Let the judgment of them, then," said Dionysus, "take place at the porches. But, if this seems good in this way, let us call a man not unwarlike, indeed, but more tractable to pleasure and enjoyment. Let Constantine, then, come as far as the porches." When this too had been resolved, the question was put: in what manner they should compete. And Hermes thought each should speak in turn about his own deeds, and that the gods should cast the vote. But this did not seem good to Apollo; for he said that among the gods the test and examination was of truth, and not of plausibility or of cunning speech. Zeus, wishing to gratify both and at the same time to prolong their company further, said, "Nothing prevents our permitting them to speak, having measured out to them a little of the water, and then afterward questioning them and making trial of each one's mind." And Silenus, mocking, said, "But take care lest, thinking it to be nectar, Trajan and Alexander gulp down all the water and then deprive the others." And Poseidon said, "Not of my water, but of your drink, were these two men lovers. It is more worth your while, therefore, to fear for your own vines than for my springs." And Silenus, stung, fell silent, and from then on gave his mind to the contestants.
And Hermes proclaimed: "The dispenser of the fairest prizes begins the contest, and the moment calls us to delay no longer. But, hearing our herald's cry, you who were kings of old, who enslaved many nations and in wars whetted the hostile spear, and joined to your resolve a great and prudent mind — come, take your stand in the opposing judgment: you for whom the end of a most blessed life was to set prudence; you for whom to do your enemies much harm and your friends much good was reckoned the mark of a noble life; and you for whom to have the sweetest enjoyment — feasts and marriages, things delightful to the eyes — as the goal of toils, and to wear soft garments together with jewel-set bracelets about the wrists, appeared most blessed. But the issue of victory shall be Zeus's care."
While Hermes was thus proclaiming, they drew lots; and somehow the lot fell in accordance with Caesar's love of being first. This made him proud and more pompous; and on this account Alexander nearly fled the judgment; but great Heracles, encouraging him, held him back. Second after that one, Alexander obtained the lot to speak; and for those that followed, the lots came forward together with each one's epoch. So Caesar began thus: "To me, O Zeus and gods, it befell to be born in so great a city, after so many men, that it rules over as many as no other city ever ruled, while for the others it is a thing to be content with to win even the second place. For what city, beginning from three thousand men, in not even six hundred whole years came with arms to the ends of the earth? What nations furnished so many men good and warlike and skilled in lawgiving? And who honored the gods as they did? Born, then, in so great and mighty a city, I surpassed in my deeds not only the men of my own time, but those of every age. And of my fellow citizens I know well that none will lay claim against me to the first place; but if this Alexander dares, which of his own deeds does he deem worthy to set beside mine? The Persian deeds, perhaps — as though he had not seen the so many trophies I raised over Pompey? And yet which became the more formidable general, Darius or Pompey? Which had the more valiant army following him? The most warlike of the nations formerly subject to Darius, in the company of the Carians, Pompey had following him; while I had those from Europe, who often turned back Asia when it brought war upon them, and of these very men the most valiant — Italians, Illyrians, Celts.
But since I have mentioned the Celts, do we set against Alexander's Getic deeds the subjugation of Celtica? He crossed the Ister once; I twice crossed the Rhine. This Germanic deed, again, is mine. And against him not even one man stood; I contended against Ariovistus. I was the first of the Romans to dare to embark upon the outer sea. And this deed was perhaps not wonderful — though even this daring is worth admiring — but greater than that was my being the first to disembark from the ship. And I pass over the Helvetii and the nation of the Iberians. I have not yet made mention of any of the Galatic peoples, having subdued more than three hundred cities, and of men not fewer than two million. But great as these deeds of mine were, that one was greater and more daring. For I had also to contend against my very fellow citizens and to master the irresistible and unconquered Romans. Whether, then, one judges by the number of pitched battles, I fought in pitched battle three times as often as those who magnify Alexander's affairs boast on his behalf; or by the number of captured cities, I subdued not only the most part of Asia, but of Europe as well. Alexander visited Egypt as a sightseer; I conquered it while marshaling banquets. And the gentleness after victory — do you wish to examine that in each of us? I forgave even my enemies; at any rate I suffered at their hands all that was Justice's concern; but he, besides his enemies, did not keep his hands even from his friends.
Will you, then, still be able to dispute with me about the first place? And will you not at once yield, along with the others, but compel me to tell how you dealt bitterly with the Thebans, while I dealt humanely with the Helvetii? For you burned down their cities, while I raised up again the cities burned down by their own citizens. And yet it was not the same thing to master ten thousand Greeks and to withstand a hundred and fifty thousand bearing down upon me. Though I have much still to say about myself and about this man, since I am at leisure but little, I have least of all practiced speaking. Wherefore you must pardon me, and from what has been said, making an equal and just examination concerning the things not said as well, you must render to me the first place."
When Caesar had said such things, and wished to say still more, Alexander, who even before had with difficulty restrained himself, no longer held back, but with a certain agitation and anxiety said, "And I, O Zeus and gods, how long shall I endure in silence the boldness of this man? For there is no end, as you see, either of his praises of himself or of his slanders of me. Yet it was perhaps fitting above all to spare both — for both seem somehow alike offensive — but more to spare the disparaging of my deeds, especially as he became an imitator of them. But he came to such a pitch of shamelessness that he dared to make a comedy of the very models of his own deeds. Yet you ought, O Caesar, to have remembered those tears that you then shed, when you heard the records of all that has been written about my actions.
But Pompey exalted you after that — Pompey, who was flattered by his own fellow citizens, but proved nobody anywhere. For his triumph from Libya, no great deed, the softness of the consuls of that time made most renowned. And that servile war, which was waged not even against men, but against the worst of slaves, others accomplished — Crassuses and Luciuses — but the name and the inscription Pompey had. And Lucullus conquered Armenia and the regions bordering on it, but Pompey triumphed from these. Then his fellow citizens flattered him and named him 'the Great' — though he was greater than which of those before him? For what so great deed was done by him as by Marius, or by the two Scipios, or by that Furius beside Quirinus here, who raised up this man's city when it had nearly fallen? For these men were not inscribed upon others' deeds — as in civic buildings and expenditures laid down and completed by others, another magistrate is inscribed, having whitewashed the wall a little; not so were they inscribed upon others' actions, but, having become themselves the architects and craftsmen, were deemed worthy of the fairest names. It is no wonder, then, if you mastered Pompey, who scratched his head with one finger and was in other respects more fox than lion. For when Fortune deserted him — Fortune, who in the former time had stood by him — you quickly mastered him, now alone. And that you became superior by no cleverness is plain; for, being in want of provisions — and this, as you know, is no small fault in a general — you also joined battle and were defeated. But if Pompey, through folly and senselessness, or through inability to rule his fellow citizens, neither, when he ought to have protracted the war, deferred the battle, nor, when conquering, followed up the victory, he was tripped up by his own faults and not by your generalship.
But the Persians, everywhere well and prudently prepared against our might, gave way.
But since it befits a man who is best and a king to lay claim not simply to acting, but to acting justly, I, on behalf of the Greeks, exacted satisfaction from the Persians, and undertook the Greek wars, not wishing to grieve Greece, but to check those who prevented me from crossing over and exacting satisfaction from the Persian. But you conquered the Germans and the Galatians while preparing against your own fatherland — than which what could be worse or more abominable? And since, as though in disparagement, you made mention of the ten thousand Greeks, that you too are sprung from there, and that the Greeks settled the most part of Italy — though I know it, nonetheless I do not admit it. But of these very people, a small nation — I mean the Aetolians who dwell near us — did you not deem it of much account to have as friends and allies, and, when they later became your enemies for whatever reason, did you not, not without danger, compel them to obey you? And those who barely sufficed against the old age, as one might say, of Greece — and not of all of it, but of a small nation — when the Hellenic power was in its prime and not even known to exist, I might almost say: what would you have become, had it been needful for you to war against the Greeks while they flourished and were of one mind? For when Pyrrhus crossed against you, you know how you cowered. And if you think it a small thing to have mastered the Persians, and disparage so great a deed, while warring more than three hundred years over a very small country beyond the river Tigris, ruled by the Parthians, tell me, for what cause did you not master it? Shall I tell you? The arrows of the Persians barred you. And let Antony tell you about them — Antony who was schooled in generalship by you. But I, in not even ten whole years, became lord besides of the Indians. Then do you dare to dispute with me — I who from a child, while a general, did deeds so great that the memory of them, though insufficiently hymned by the historians, nonetheless abides together with life — like the deeds of Callinicus, my king, whose servant and emulator I became, vying with my ancestor Achilles, but admiring and following Heracles, inasmuch as a man may follow in the footstep of a god."
So much, then, O gods, as it was needful to say in answer to this man — though it had been better to despise him — has been said. But if anything bitter was done by us, it was by no means against blameless men, but against those who either often and in many matters had given offense, or had used their opportunity not well nor fittingly; at any rate there followed, upon the faults committed through the occasion, repentance, a very temperate divinity and a savior of those who have erred; but those who, as it were, made it their ambition often to incur hatred and to give offense, I thought I did no injustice in punishing.
Since this man too had spoken in a more soldierly fashion, the servant of Poseidon brought the water-clock to Octavian, measuring out to him less of the water on account of the occasion, and besides bearing him a grudge for his arrogance toward the god. And he, when he understood it through his sagacity, giving up saying anything about others' affairs, said, "I, O Zeus and gods, will refrain from disparaging the deeds of others and making them small, but will make my whole speech about my own. Young, I presided over my own city, like this noble Alexander; I brought to a successful issue the Germanic wars, like my father here, Caesar. Engaging in the civil contests, I conquered Egypt at sea off Actium, and conquered Brutus and Cassius at Philippi, and made Pompey's son Sextus a by-work of my generalship. And I rendered myself so tractable to philosophy that I endured even the frankness of Athenodorus, not vexed but delighted at it, and revering the man like a tutor, or rather a father. And Areius I inscribe as my friend and companion in life, and on the whole nothing was done by us amiss against philosophy. And seeing Rome, through the civil factions, often driven into the utmost danger, I so disposed her affairs that she became, were it not for you, O gods, henceforth adamantine. For not yielding to immoderate desires, I did not purpose to acquire everything for her, but set two boundaries, as though appointed by Nature, the rivers Ister and Euphrates. Then, having subjected the nation of the Scythians and the Thracians, while you measured out to me the time of my reign, I did not look about for one war after another, but devoted my leisure to lawgiving and to the correction of the calamities arising from war, thinking that I had taken counsel no worse than any before me — or rather, if one may say it boldly, better than any who ever administered so great a dominion. For some died at their campaigns, when they might thereafter have rested and not made war, contriving wars out of wars for themselves, like the litigious contriving lawsuits; and others, even while at war, gave their minds to luxury, preferring shameful luxury not only to the good repute that comes after, but even to safety itself. I, then, considering these things, do not deem myself worthy of the worse portion; but whatever shall seem good to you, O gods, that it is fitting, I suppose, for me to be content with."
After him the right of speaking was given to Trajan. And he, though able to speak, yet through indolence — for he was wont for the most part to entrust the writing on his behalf to Sura — uttering rather than speaking, displayed to them the Getic and the Parthian trophy. And he blamed his old age as not having permitted him to follow up the Parthian affairs. And Silenus said, "But, O foolish one, you reigned twenty years, while this Alexander reigned twelve. Why, then, leaving off to blame your own luxury, do you find fault with the narrowness of your time?" Provoked, then, by the gibe — for he was not beyond being able to play the orator, but through love of drink was often duller than himself — he said, "I, O Zeus and gods, having taken over the empire benumbed, as it were, and dissolved both by the tyranny that had long prevailed at home and by the insolence of the Getae, alone dared to add nations beyond the Ister, and I destroyed the nation of the Getae, who have been the most warlike of all that ever were, not only through bodily valor, but also through what Zamolxis, who is honored among them, persuaded them. For, thinking that they do not die but change their dwelling, they do this more readily than others endure their travels abroad. And this deed was accomplished by me in perhaps about five years. And that I appeared to my subjects the gentlest of all the emperors who arose before me — and neither this Caesar nor any other would dispute it with me — is, I suppose, quite plain. But against the Parthians, before I was wronged by them, I did not think I ought to use arms; but when they wronged me I went out against them, in no way hindered by my age, although the laws granted me not to serve. These things being so, am I not just to be honored before the others — having become gentle toward my subjects, but exceedingly fearsome toward my enemies, and having reverenced also your descendant, philosophy?" Trajan, having said such things, seemed by his gentleness to surpass all, and the gods plainly seemed especially pleased at this.
When Marcus began to speak, Silenus said quietly to Dionysus, "Let us hear this Stoic, what then of those paradoxical and monstrous doctrines he will utter." But he, looking toward Zeus and the gods, said, "For me, O Zeus and gods, there is no need of speeches and contest. For if you were ignorant of my affairs, it would be fitting for me to instruct you; but since you know, and nothing of all things has escaped you, do you yourselves honor me according to my desert." So Marcus seemed to be in other respects a wonderful man, and exceedingly wise, inasmuch, I think, as he discerned both "where one must speak and where it is good to be silent."
To Constantine after him they granted leave to speak. And he at first was confident of the contest; but when he looked at the deeds of the others, he saw his own to be altogether small. For he had overthrown two tyrants — if one must speak the truth — the one unwarlike and soft, the other wretched and weak through old age, but both most hateful to gods and men. His deeds against the barbarians, indeed, were laughable; for he had paid them tribute, as it were, and looked toward Luxury. But she stood far from the gods, about the porches of the Moon; he was enamored of her, then, and, wholly looking toward her, cared nothing about the victory. But since he too had to say something, he said, "In this I am superior to these men: to the Macedonian, in that I contended against Romans and the Germanic and Scythian races and not against the Asiatic barbarians; to Caesar and Octavian, in that I did not, as these men did, raise faction against good and noble citizens, but went out against the most abominable and wicked of tyrants. To Trajan I might reasonably be preferred for my valorous deeds against the tyrants, while in recovering the country which he had won besides, I might not unreasonably be thought his equal — if indeed it is not even a greater thing to recover than to acquire. But this Marcus, by keeping silence about himself, yields the first place to all of us." And Silenus said, "But do you bring forward to us, O Constantine, the gardens of Adonis as your deeds?" "And what," he said, "are the gardens of Adonis of which you speak?" "Those," he said, "which the women plant for the husband of Aphrodite, heaping up garden soil in potsherds; and these, having grown green for a little while, straightway wither away." And Constantine blushed, recognizing outright that such was his own deed.
When silence had fallen, some seemed to be waiting to see on whom the gods would cast their vote for the first place; but others thought they ought to bring the men's choices into the open, and not to judge from their actions, of which Fortune had claimed the most, and stood crying out against them all save Octavian alone. Of him she said that he was grateful toward her. It seemed good, then, to the gods to entrust this also to Hermes, and they gave him to inquire of Alexander first what he thought the fairest thing, and with a view to what he had wrought and suffered all that he had done and undergone. And he said, "To conquer all things." "Then," said Hermes, "do you think this has been done by you?" "Very much so," said Alexander. But Silenus, laughing very derisively, said, "But my daughters often mastered you" — hinting at the vines, mocking Alexander as a kind of drunkard and lover of wine. And Alexander, as one full of Peripatetic misunderstandings, said, "To conquer inanimate things is not the point; for there is no contest for us against these; but every race of men, and every race of beasts." And Silenus, like those who marvel, very ironically, said, "Oho, oho, what dialectical lattices! But in which class will you place yourself for us — among the inanimate, or among the animate and living?" And he, as though indignant, said, "Hush! For from magnanimity I was persuaded that I would become a god — or rather, that I was one." "Then," he said, "you were often defeated by yourself." "But to master oneself and to be defeated by oneself," said Alexander, "are spoken of equivocally; my discourse was about my relations to others." "Bless me, what dialectic," he said, "how you refute our sophisms! But when," he said, "you were wounded among the Indians, and Peucestes lay beside you, and you were carried out of the city at your last gasp, were you inferior to the man who wounded you, or did you conquer him too?" "Not him only," he said, "but I sacked the very city." "Not you, my good man," he said; "for you lay, like the Homeric Hector, faint and at your last gasp, while others fought and conquered." "Under our leadership," said Alexander. And Silenus said, "How? You who were carried off all but dead?" Then he sang the lines from Euripides: "Alas, how ill it is reckoned throughout Greece, when an army sets up a trophy of its enemies." And Dionysus said, "Stop, little papa, saying such things, lest this man do to you what he did to Cleitus." And Alexander, blushing and as it were confounded, his eyes brimming with tears, fell silent. And so this discourse came to an end.
Then Hermes again asked Caesar, "And you, O Caesar," he said, "what was the aim of your life?" "To be first in my own city," he said, "and neither to be nor be thought second to anyone." "This," said Hermes, "is unclear; for tell me, was it in wisdom, or in cleverness of speech, or in warlike experience, or in political power?" "It was indeed pleasant to me," said Caesar, "to be first of all in all things; but, unable to attain this, I emulated being most powerful among my own fellow citizens." "And were you able to be great?" said Silenus to him. And he said, "Very much so; at any rate I became their master." "But this you were able to do," he said; "yet to be loved by them you were not able, and that though you played, as on a stage and in a drama, much benevolence, and shamefully flattered them all." "Then do I not seem," he said, "to have been loved by the people who drove out Brutus and Cassius?" "Not because they slew you," he said; "for on that account the people voted them to be consuls; but on account of the money, since, when they heard the will, they saw as the wage of their indignation no ordinary sum inscribed for them."
When this discourse too had ended, Hermes again stirred up Octavian. "And you," he said, "will you not tell us what you thought the fairest thing?" And he said, "To reign well." "And what is 'well,' O Augustus, tell us, since this even the most wicked can say. At any rate Dionysius thought he reigned well, and Agathocles, who was more abominable than he." "But you know, O gods," he said, "that, sending off my grandson, I prayed to you to give him the daring of Caesar, the cleverness of Pompey, and my own fortune." "Many works," said Silenus, "needing gods that are truly saviors, has this image-molder heaped together!" "Then why," he said, "have you given me this name so ridiculously?" "Why, did you not mold gods for us," he said, "as those women mold their dolls, O Augustus — of whom you made one, and the first, this Caesar?" And Octavian, as though abashed, fell silent.
And Hermes, looking toward Trajan, said, "And you, with what purpose did you do all that you did?" "I aimed," he said, "at the same things as Alexander, but more temperately." And Silenus said, "Nay, you too were defeated by the baser passions. For he was for the most part inferior to anger, but you to shameful and reproachful pleasure." "Go and be blessed," said Dionysus; "since you mock them all and let none say anything on his own behalf. But against those men your gibes had room; now take heed how you will lay hold of Marcus; for he seems to me somehow a man, according to Simonides, foursquare, fashioned without blame." And Hermes, looking at Marcus, said, "And to you, O Verus, what seemed the fairest end of life?" And he, quietly and temperately, said, "To imitate the gods." This answer seemed at once not ignoble, but worth the whole. And Hermes did not wish to meddle further, being persuaded that Marcus would say everything consistently. To the other gods, then, it seemed so; but Silenus alone said, "No, by Dionysus, I will not endure this sophist. For why, tell me, did you eat and drink, not, like us, ambrosia and nectar, but bread and wine?" "But I," he said, "did not take food and drink after that manner in which I thought to imitate the gods; but I nourished my body, perhaps falsely, yet persuaded that your bodies too need the nourishment that comes from exhalations. Nevertheless I supposed that you are to be imitated not in these things, but in mind." Silenus, a little at a loss, as though struck by a skilled boxer, said, "This perhaps has been said by you not unreasonably; but tell me, what then did you think the imitation of the gods to be?" And he said, "To need as few things as possible, and to do good to as many as possible." "Then did you," he said, "need nothing?" And Marcus said, "I myself nothing, but perhaps my poor body a few things."
So, when Marcus seemed to have spoken this too rightly, Silenus, at a loss for an end, fastened on the things regarding his son and his wife, which seemed to him to have been done not rightly nor according to reason — the one, that he enrolled her among the heroines; the other, that he entrusted to him the rule. "I imitated the gods in this too," he said. "For I obeyed Homer, who says of one's wife that whoever is good and prudent loves his own and cherishes her; and about his son I have the saying of Zeus himself; for, blaming Ares, he said, 'Long ago would you have been struck by the thunderbolt, were it not that, because you are my son, I loved you.' And besides, I did not even think my son would be so wicked. But if youth, making great inclinations to either side, was borne toward the worse, I did not entrust the rule to a wicked man, but it befell that he who received it became wicked. The things regarding my wife, then, were done by me in emulation of the divine Achilles, and the things regarding my son in imitation of greatest Zeus, and besides I made no innovation at all. For it is customary to entrust the successions to sons, and all pray for this; and my wife I honored not first, but after many others. Perhaps to begin such things is not reasonable, but, when it has been done in many cases, to deprive one's nearest of them is near to injustice. But I have unawares been making a longer defense before you who know, O Zeus and gods; wherefore be forgiving to me for this rashness."
When this discourse too had ceased, Hermes asked Constantine, "And what did you think the fair thing?" "Having acquired much," he said, "to bestow much, ministering to my own desires and to those of my friends." Silenus, then, laughing aloud, said, "But did you, wishing to be a banker, unawares to yourself live the life of a cook and a hairdresser?" — hinting at these things, which long ago his hair and his look, and now his judgment too, betray of him. So Silenus laid hold of this man somewhat more bitterly.
When silence had fallen, the gods secretly cast their votes. Then many fell to Marcus. And Zeus, having conferred privately with his father, bade Hermes proclaim. And he proclaimed, "Men who have come forward to this contest, with us there are laws, and such judgments are made that the victor rejoices and the vanquished does not complain. Go, then," he said, "each whither it is dear to him, to live henceforth under the gods as his leaders; and let each choose for himself his patron and guide." After this proclamation, Alexander ran to Heracles, and Octavian to Apollo, while Marcus clung fast to Zeus and Kronos. As Caesar wandered much and ran about, great Ares and Aphrodite, pitying him, called him to themselves; and Trajan ran to Alexander, to sit beside him.
But Constantine, not finding among the gods the model of his life, catching sight of Luxury close by, ran to her; and she, receiving him softly and embracing him in her arms, having decked him out and beautified him with garments of varied hue, led him away to Profligacy, where also, finding Jesus going about and proclaiming to all, "Whoever is a corrupter, whoever is a murderer, whoever is accursed and abominable, let him come boldly; for I will at once make him clean by washing him with this water, and, if he again become guilty of the same things, I will grant him, by striking his breast and beating his head, to become clean" — to him he came very gladly, leading his sons out together with himself from the assembly of the gods. But the avenging demons tormented him and them no less for their godlessness, exacting penalties for the blood of their kindred, until Zeus, for the sake of Claudius and Constantius, granted them a respite.
But to you, Hermes said, speaking to us, I have granted to know Mithras the father. Do you keep his commandments, preparing for yourself, while you live, a cable and a sure anchorage, and, when you must depart hence, with good hope setting up for yourself a kindly god as your guide.