Ecclesiazusae

PRAXAGORA O shining eye of the wheel-turned lamp, hung up most fairly in this well-aimed station — for I will declare both your birth and your fortunes: driven on the wheel by the potter's spinning force, you hold in your nostrils the bright honors of the sun — send forth, then, the signal of flame agreed upon! For to you alone do we rightly disclose it, since you stand close beside us in our bedchambers too, as we attempt the postures of Aphrodite; and no one shuts your eye out of the house, overseer of bodies bent in the act. You alone shine into the secret recesses of the thighs, singeing off the flowering hair; and when we open the storerooms full of grain and the stream of Bacchus, you stand by and help; and doing all this, you do not gossip to the neighbors. Wherefore you shall be privy also to the present plans, all that my friends resolved at the Scira. But not one of them is here, though they ought to have come. And yet it is near dawn, and the Assembly will be on at any moment; we must seize the seats — those that Phyromachus once spoke of, if you still remember — and somehow sit ourselves down without being noticed by the others. What can be the matter? Have they not got their beards stitched on, which they were told to wear? Or was it hard for them to steal their husbands' cloaks without being caught? But I see a lamp coming this way. Come, let me draw back again, in case the one approaching should happen to be a man.

FIRST WOMAN It is time to be going, for the herald just now crowed a second time as we came out.

PRAXAGORA And I have stayed awake the whole night waiting for you. But come, let me call out this neighbor of mine by scratching softly at her door; for her husband must not notice.

SECOND WOMAN I heard you, just as I was tying on my shoes, the faint scratch of your fingers, since I was not asleep. For my husband, dearest — the man I live with is a Salaminian — drove me about in the bedclothes all night long, so that only just now did I get hold of this cloak of his.

FIRST WOMAN And look, I see Clinarete too and Sostrate coming now, and Philaenete.

PRAXAGORA Then will you not hurry? For Glyce has sworn that the last to arrive shall pay a forfeit of three measures of wine and a pint of chickpeas to us.

FIRST WOMAN Do you not see Smicythion's wife, Melistiche, hurrying along in her boots?

PRAXAGORA And she seems to have come out at her leisure, alone, from her husband.

FIRST WOMAN And do you not see the tavern-keeper's wife, Geusistrate, with her torch in her right hand?

SECOND WOMAN And I see the wives of Philodoretus and Chaeretades coming, and very many other women too, all that is of any worth in the city.

THIRD WOMAN And I, dearest, slipped through and ran here with very great difficulty. For my husband coughed the whole night long, stuffed with sprats in the evening.

PRAXAGORA Sit down, then, so that I may ask you this — since I see you are gathered — whether you have done what was resolved at the Scira.

FIRST WOMAN I have. First of all, I have my armpits shaggier than a thicket, as was agreed; and then, whenever my husband went off to the market, I anointed my whole body all day long and stood out browning myself in the sun.

SECOND WOMAN And I too; for first I threw the razor out of the house, so that I might get hairy all over and be no longer anything like a woman.

PRAXAGORA And have you the beards that you were told to wear, all of us, whenever we should gather?

FIRST WOMAN By Hecate, here is a fine one I have.

SECOND WOMAN And I one not a little finer than Epicrates'.

PRAXAGORA And what do you others say?

FIRST WOMAN They say yes; for they nod assent.

PRAXAGORA And the rest, I see, you have managed. For you have Laconian shoes and staves and men's cloaks, just as we said.

FIRST WOMAN I, for my part, brought out this club of Lamius', taking it secretly while he slept.

SECOND WOMAN That is one of those clubs he breaks wind under the weight of.

PRAXAGORA By Zeus the Savior, he would be just the man, dressed in the hide of the all-seeing Argus, if anyone is, to tend the public hangman. But come, let us see to what comes next, while there are still stars in the sky; for the Assembly, to which we are prepared to go, will begin at daybreak.

FIRST WOMAN By Zeus, so you must seize seats under the rock, opposite the presiding officers.

SECOND WOMAN Look, by Zeus, I brought this along, so that I could card wool while the Assembly fills up.

PRAXAGORA While it fills, you wretch?

SECOND WOMAN By Artemis, I will; for what worse would I hear if I were carding? My children are naked.

PRAXAGORA Just look at you carding wool — you who must not show a bit of your body to those sitting there! We should be in a fine fix, if the people happened to be full and then some woman, climbing over them, hitched up her clothes and showed her Phormisius. But if we are seated first, we shall escape notice by keeping our cloaks drawn close; and when we let down the beard that we will tie on there, who, looking at us, would not take us for men? Agyrrhius, at any rate, by wearing the beard of Pronomus, has passed unnoticed; and yet before this he was a woman; but now, you see, he conducts the greatest affairs in the city.

PRAXAGORA By this, then — by the coming dawn — let us dare so great a daring, in the hope that we may somehow be able to take the affairs of the city into our hands, so as to do the city some good; for now we neither sail nor row.

FIRST WOMAN And how shall an assembly of women, of female mind, address the people?

PRAXAGORA Far the best of all, I assure you. For they say that those of the young men who get the most thoroughly buggered are the cleverest speakers; and we have this advantage by some chance.

FIRST WOMAN I do not know; but inexperience is a terrible thing.

PRAXAGORA Is that not why we have gathered here on purpose, to rehearse what we must say there? You had best tie on your beard at once, you and all the others who have practiced talking.

FIRST WOMAN And which of us, my dear, does not know how to talk?

PRAXAGORA Come then, you tie yours on and quickly become a man; and I will lay down these garlands and tie one on too, along with you, in case I decide to say something.

SECOND WOMAN Come here, sweetest Praxagora; look, poor thing, how ridiculous the business appears.

PRAXAGORA How ridiculous?

SECOND WOMAN As if one tied a beard onto a row of grilled cuttlefish.

PRAXAGORA (playing the part of the purifying officer) The purifier — the weasel must be carried round! Come forward. Ariphrades, stop chattering. Come along and sit down. Who wishes to speak?

FIRST WOMAN I.

PRAXAGORA Then put on the garland, and good luck to you.

FIRST WOMAN There.

PRAXAGORA Speak, then.

FIRST WOMAN What, I am to speak before drinking?

PRAXAGORA Listen to her — "drinking"!

FIRST WOMAN Why, my dear, did I put on a garland for nothing?

PRAXAGORA Out of the way! You would have done such things to us there too.

FIRST WOMAN Why? Do they not drink in the Assembly?

PRAXAGORA Listen to her — "drink"!

FIRST WOMAN By Artemis they do, and that neat. At any rate their decrees, all that they enact, are, to anyone who considers them, like the deeds of drunken men, crazed. And by Zeus they pour libations too; or for what else would they pray so much, if there were no wine present? And they abuse one another like men who have drunk too much, and the archers carry out the man who turns rowdy.

PRAXAGORA You go and sit down; for you are no good.

FIRST WOMAN By Zeus, it would have been better for me not to grow a beard; for I shall be parched with thirst, it seems.

PRAXAGORA Is there any other who wishes to speak?

SECOND WOMAN I.

PRAXAGORA Come then, put on the garland; for the business is under way. Come now, see that you speak in a manly fashion and well, propping your figure on your staff.

SECOND WOMAN I should have wished that one of the practiced speakers were saying the best things, so that I might sit quiet; but as it is, I will not allow, by my one vote, men to build cisterns of water in the wine-shops. No, by the two goddesses, it does not seem right to me.

PRAXAGORA By the two goddesses? You wretch, where are your wits?

SECOND WOMAN What is it? I did not ask you for a drink, surely.

PRAXAGORA No, by Zeus, but being a man you swore by the two goddesses — though for the rest you spoke most cleverly.

SECOND WOMAN Oh — by Apollo, then.

PRAXAGORA Stop, then; for I would not advance the other foot to go to the Assembly, unless this is got exactly right.

SECOND WOMAN Give me the garland; I will speak again. For I think I have rehearsed it well by now. "In my view, women — you who are sitting here —"

PRAXAGORA "Women" again, you unhappy creature? You are addressing men!

SECOND WOMAN It is because of that Epigonus there; for glancing over yonder I thought I was speaking to women.

PRAXAGORA Off with you too, and sit down here. I think I had better speak myself, for your sakes, taking this garland. I pray to the gods to succeed in carrying through what we have planned. I have an equal share in this country as much as you have; but I am vexed and bear heavily all the affairs of the city. For I see her always employing wicked leaders; and if one of them becomes good for a single day, he becomes wicked for ten. You entrusted yourselves to another: he will do still more harm. It is hard, then, to admonish men so hard to please, who fear those who wish to be your friends and entreat, every time, those who have no wish to be. There was a time when we made no use of assemblies at all; yet we held Agyrrhius to be a scoundrel. Now that we do make use of them, the man who has taken the money praises everything to the skies, while the man who has not taken it says that those who seek to draw assembly-pay deserve death.

FIRST WOMAN By Aphrodite, you put that well.

PRAXAGORA You wretch, you swore by Aphrodite! A charming thing you would have done, if you had said that in the Assembly.

FIRST WOMAN But I would not have said it.

PRAXAGORA Then do not get into the habit of saying it now. "Again, this matter of the alliance — when we were considering it — they said that if it did not come about it would ruin the city; but when it did come about, they were vexed, and the orator who persuaded them to it at once ran off and disappeared. We must launch ships: the poor man thinks so, the rich men and the farmers think not. You are angry with the Corinthians, and they with you; now they are friendly, so you too be friendly now. The Argive is a fool, but Hieronymus is wise; deliverance peeped out, but Thrasybulus is offended at not being called in to help."

FIRST WOMAN What a clever man!

PRAXAGORA Now you praised it rightly. "For you, O people, are the cause of these things. For while drawing public pay you each look privately to what profit you can make, and the commonweal goes rolling about like Aesimus. If, then, you will be persuaded by me, you shall yet be saved. For I say the city must be handed over to the women. For indeed in our households we use them as stewards and treasurers."

FIRST WOMAN Good, good, by Zeus, good!

SECOND WOMAN Speak on, speak on, good sir!

PRAXAGORA "And that they are better than we in their ways, I will show you. First, they all dye their wool in hot water by the ancient custom, every one of them, and you would not see them trying anything new. But the city of the Athenians — even if some practice were doing well — would not be safe, unless she busied herself with some other novelty. They sit and roast grain as before; they carry burdens on their heads as before; they keep the Thesmophoria as before; they bake their cakes as before; they wear out their husbands as before; they keep lovers in the house as before; they buy themselves extra delicacies as before; they love their wine neat as before; they enjoy being mounted as before. So, sirs, let us hand over the city to them and not chatter on, nor inquire what in the world they mean to do, but simply, in a straightforward way, let them rule; considering only these points — that being mothers they will first of all be eager to save the soldiers; and then, who would send provisions more readily than the one who bore them? A woman is most resourceful at procuring money, and ruling she would never be deceived; for they themselves are used to deceiving. The rest I will pass over. If you are persuaded by me in this, you shall pass your life in happiness."

FIRST WOMAN Good, sweetest Praxagora, and clever! Where, you wonder, did you learn all this so well?

PRAXAGORA In the flights from the city I lived with my husband on the Pnyx; and then, listening, I learned it all from the orators.

FIRST WOMAN No wonder, then, my dear, you were clever and wise; and we women elect you general here and now, if you carry out what you are planning. But if Cephalus comes and falls foul of you with abuse, how will you answer him in the Assembly?

PRAXAGORA I will say he is out of his mind.

FIRST WOMAN But everyone knows that.

PRAXAGORA And that he is melancholy-mad.

FIRST WOMAN They know that too.

PRAXAGORA And that he makes his crockery badly, but will manage the city well and finely.

FIRST WOMAN And what if blear-eyed Neocleides abuses you?

PRAXAGORA To him I said, "Go look at a dog's backside."

FIRST WOMAN And what if they thrust their points at you?

PRAXAGORA I will thrust back at them, since I am not inexperienced in many thrustings.

FIRST WOMAN There is only one thing not provided for: what you will ever do if the archers haul you off.

PRAXAGORA I will jab with my elbow like this; for I shall never be caught round the middle.

SECOND WOMAN And we, if they try to lift you, will order them to let go.

FIRST WOMAN This much, then, we have well considered; but the other thing we have not thought of — in what way we shall remember then to raise our hands; for we are accustomed to raising our legs.

PRAXAGORA A hard matter; still, one must vote with the hand, baring one arm to the shoulder. Come now, hitch up your little tunics; and put on the Laconian shoes as quickly as you can, just as you used to watch your husband doing whenever he was about to go to the Assembly or out of doors. Then, when all this is done well, tie on the beards. And when you have got these fitted on exactly, throw over yourselves the men's cloaks that you stole, and then, leaning on your staves, walk along singing some old man's song, imitating the manner of the country folk.

SECOND WOMAN Well said; and let us go on ahead of them. For I think other women too will come straight from the fields to the Pnyx.

PRAXAGORA But make haste, since the custom there is that whoever is not present at the Pnyx at dawn slinks off home without so much as a peg to show for it.

CHORUS (of old men) Let us go on to the Assembly, sirs; for the lawgiver threatened that whoever does not come, very early in the dark, all covered with dust, content with a relish of garlic-pickle, looking sour as vinegar-sauce, shall not be given the three obols. Come, Charitimides and Smicythus and Draces, follow on, pressing forward, taking care of yourself that you strike no false note of what you must show; and that, taking the token, we may then sit down close together, so that we may vote by show of hands for everything our friends require. — And yet what am I saying? "Friends" I should have called them.

CHORUS And see how we shall shove aside those who come from the town — those who before, when one had to go and get only an obol, sat chattering in the garland-market, but now make far too much trouble. No — when noble Myronides was in office, no one would have dared to manage the affairs of the city for the sake of taking money; but each man came carrying in a little skin his own drink, and a loaf, and two onions, and three olives. But now they seek to get three obols, whenever they do any public service, like men carrying clay.

BLEPYRUS What is the matter? Where in the world has my wife gone off to? For it is now near dawn, and she is nowhere to be seen. And I have been lying here this long while needing to relieve myself, trying to find my shoes and my cloak in the dark; but when I groped for that, I could not find it, and the rubbish-man was already at the door and banging on it. So I take this little wrap of my wife's, and slip on her Persian slippers. But where, where, in a clean spot, might a man do his business? Or is anywhere all right at night? For no one will see me now, doing my business. Alas, ill-starred me, that being an old man I married a wife! How many blows do I deserve to get! For she has surely not gone out to do anything decent. Still, there is no help for it; I must relieve myself.

NEIGHBOR Who is this? Surely not Blepyrus, my neighbor? By Zeus, it is the very man himself.

BLEPYRUS By Zeus, it is.

NEIGHBOR Tell me, what is this yellow thing you have on? Surely Cinesias has not befouled you from somewhere?

BLEPYRUS No, but I came out wearing my wife's little saffron gown, the one she puts on.

NEIGHBOR And where is your cloak?

BLEPYRUS I cannot say. For seeking it I did not find it in the bedclothes.

NEIGHBOR And did you not ask your wife to tell you?

BLEPYRUS By Zeus, no; for she happens not to be indoors, but has bored her way out of the house unseen by me; which is why I am afraid she may be up to something new.

NEIGHBOR By Poseidon, then, you have suffered exactly the same as I; for the woman I live with is gone, taking the cloak I used to wear. And it is not only that which vexes me, but my shoes too: I could not find them anywhere.

BLEPYRUS By Dionysus, nor I my Laconian shoes; but as I happened to need to relieve myself, I thrust my feet into these slippers and rush off, so as not to befoul the rug; for it was a clean one.

NEIGHBOR What can it be, then? Surely some woman, one of her friends, has invited her to breakfast?

BLEPYRUS That is my guess. She is not a bad one, at least so far as I know.

NEIGHBOR But you are paying out a whole well-rope! As for me, it is time to be going to the Assembly, if I can find my cloak, which was my only one.

BLEPYRUS And I too, when I have done my business. But just now some pear has shut up and barred my food inside.

NEIGHBOR The one Thrasybulus mentioned to the Spartans?

BLEPYRUS By Dionysus, it is sticking hard in me, at any rate. But what shall I do? For this is not the only thing that troubles me; there is also the question, when I have eaten, where my dung will go from now on. For now this fellow, whoever the Pear-man is, has bolted the door. Who, then, would go and fetch me a doctor, and which one? Who is skilled in the art of the backside? Ah, I know — Amynon. But perhaps he will refuse. Let someone call Antisthenes by all means. For that man, to judge by his groans, knows what a backside wants when it needs to relieve itself. O lady Eileithyia, do not look on while I burst and stay barred up, lest I become a comic chamber-pot!

CHREMES You there, what are you doing? Surely you are not relieving yourself?

BLEPYRUS I? Not any longer, by Zeus; I am getting up.

CHREMES And you are wrapped in your wife's little tunic?

BLEPYRUS For in the dark I happened to lay hold of it indoors. But where do you come from, really?

CHREMES From the Assembly.

BLEPYRUS Is it over already, then?

CHREMES By Zeus, indeed it is, and early too. And the red dye, dearest Zeus, gave great cause for laughter, the way they sprinkled it around in a circle.

BLEPYRUS Did you get the three obols, then?

CHREMES Would that I had. But I came too late, so that I am ashamed, by Zeus, before nothing else but my empty bag.

BLEPYRUS And what was the cause?

CHREMES The greatest crowd of men, such as never yet came in a mass to the Pnyx. And indeed, looking at them, we likened them all to cobblers. For really, the Assembly was extraordinarily white-packed to look at; so that neither I nor many others got anything.

BLEPYRUS So I would get nothing either, if I went now?

CHREMES Where from? Not even if you had come the first time the cock crowed.

BLEPYRUS Alas, wretched me! "Antilochus, bewail me, the living, rather than the three obols. For all I had is gone." But what was the matter, that so great a crowd gathered so early?

CHREMES What else but that the presiding officers resolved to bring forward proposals about the salvation of the city? And then at once first Neocleides, the blear-eyed, crept up. And then the people shouted out — how loud, do you suppose? — "Is it not monstrous that this man should dare to address the people, and that too on a question of salvation, who could not even save his own eyelid?" And he, shouting out and looking round, said, "What then ought I to have done?"

BLEPYRUS "Pounding garlic together with juice, throwing in some Laconian spurge, and smearing it on your eyelids at evening" — that is what I would have said, if I had happened to be there.

CHREMES After him Euaeon, the cleverest of men, came forward, naked, as it seemed to most — though he himself said he had a cloak; and then he made the most democratic speech: "You see that I myself need a salvation worth four staters; nevertheless I will tell you how you may save the city and the citizens. If the fullers provide cloaks for those in need, as soon as the sun first turns, no pleurisy would ever take any of us. And those who have no bed or bedding, let them go to sleep at the tanners' after a wash; and if anyone shuts the door on them in winter, let him forfeit three goatskins."

BLEPYRUS By Dionysus, good proposals! And if he had added this besides, no one would have voted against him — that the corn-dealers should provide three measures of grain for a dinner to all the poor, or else howl long for it — so that they might get this good out of Nausicydes.

CHREMES After this, then, a handsome young man, fair-skinned, leaped up — like Nicias — to address the people, and undertook to say that the city must be handed over to the women. Then the cobbler-rabble made an uproar and cried out that he spoke well, while those from the fields growled in protest.

BLEPYRUS For they had sense, by Zeus.

CHREMES But they were outnumbered; and he prevailed by his shouting, saying many good things of the women and many evil ones of you.

BLEPYRUS And what did he say?

CHREMES First, he said you were a villain.

BLEPYRUS And you?

CHREMES Do not ask that yet. And then a thief.

BLEPYRUS I alone?

CHREMES Yes, by Zeus, and an informer too.

BLEPYRUS I alone?

CHREMES Yes, by Zeus — and this whole crowd here.

BLEPYRUS And who says otherwise?

CHREMES He said that a woman is a thing full of wit and money-making; and that they do not, as you and I do in our counsels, ever betray the secrets of the Thesmophoria, but you and I are always doing this.

BLEPYRUS And, by Hermes, in that he did not lie.

CHREMES And then he said that they lend each other clothes, gold, silver, drinking-cups, one woman to another, alone with no witnesses, and bring it all back and do not cheat; whereas most of us, he said, do this very thing.

BLEPYRUS By Poseidon, yes — even with witnesses present.

CHREMES That they do not inform, nor prosecute, nor dissolve the democracy, but many good things — and very many others — did he say in praise of the women.

BLEPYRUS What, then, was resolved?

CHREMES To entrust the city to them. For this seemed to be the only thing that had not yet been tried in the city.

BLEPYRUS And was it decreed?

CHREMES I say so.

BLEPYRUS And everything is now committed to them that used to be the citizens' concern?

CHREMES That is how it stands.

BLEPYRUS So it will not be I that goes to the law-court any more, but my wife?

CHREMES Nor will you any longer feed those you have, but your wife.

BLEPYRUS Nor will it be my business any more to groan at dawn?

CHREMES By Zeus, no; that is the women's care now. And you, without groaning, shall stay at home breaking wind.

BLEPYRUS There is one thing dreadful for men of our age: that when they have taken the reins of the city into their hands, they may then force us against our will —

CHREMES To do what?

BLEPYRUS — to service them.

CHREMES And if we are unable?

BLEPYRUS They will give us no breakfast.

CHREMES Then, by Zeus, do you contrive to do both — so that you breakfast and service them at the same time.

BLEPYRUS The "by force" part is most dreadful.

CHREMES But if it is for the good of the city, every man must do these things.

BLEPYRUS There is, you know, a saying of the elders, that whatever foolish and senseless things we resolve, all of them turn out for the better for us.

CHREMES And may they turn out well, O lady Pallas and you gods! But I am off; and you, be well.

BLEPYRUS And you too, Chremes.

CHORUS Step on, advance. Is there any of the men following us? Turn round, look, guard yourself carefully, for the rogues are many — lest perhaps someone behind us scrutinize our get-up. But tramp along, stamping your feet as hard as you can; for it would bring shame on all of us women among the men, if this affair of ours should be found out. So draw yourself in close, and looking about you on this side and that and to the right, take care the business does not become a calamity. But let us hurry; for we are now near the place from which we set out for the Assembly when we were going; and you can see the house from which our general comes — she who devised the plan that has now been resolved by the citizens. So it is right for us not to delay, standing about with beards hung on, lest someone see us and perhaps inform on us. But come, over here into the shade, by the little wall, looking aslant to the other side, change yourself back again to what you were, and do not delay; for see, we behold our general coming this way from the Assembly. Make haste, all of you, and hate to keep that sack on your jaws; for these women too have come this long while wearing that get-up.

CHORUS All that you bade us is in readiness; and yours is the task of teaching the rest, whatever you think it expedient for us to do, that we may seem rightly to obey. For I know I have never been associated with a cleverer woman than you.

PRAXAGORA Wait, then, that I may make use of you all as my counselors in the office to which I have just now been elected. For there too, in the tumult and the dangers, you were most manly.

BLEPYRUS You there, where do you come from, Praxagora?

PRAXAGORA What, my dear, is that to you?

BLEPYRUS What is it to me? How simple-minded!

PRAXAGORA You will not say I come from my lover, at any rate.

BLEPYRUS Not from one, perhaps.

PRAXAGORA And yet you can test this very thing.

BLEPYRUS How?

PRAXAGORA Whether my head smells of perfume.

BLEPYRUS Why? Is a woman not serviced even without perfume?

PRAXAGORA Not I, at least, you wretch.

BLEPYRUS Then how did you go off at dawn in silence, taking my cloak?

PRAXAGORA A woman, a companion and friend of mine, sent for me in the night, in labor.

BLEPYRUS And could you not have gone after telling me?

PRAXAGORA And take no thought for the woman in childbed, in such a state, husband?

BLEPYRUS After telling me, I mean. But there is something wrong here.

PRAXAGORA By the two goddesses, no; I went just as I was. The woman who fetched me begged me by every art to come out.

BLEPYRUS Then ought you not to have worn your own cloak? But you stripped me, and threw your wrap over me, and went off, leaving me laid out as if for burial — all but garlanded and with a flask set beside me.

PRAXAGORA For it was cold, and I am slight and weak; so, to keep warm, I put this on; and I left you, husband, lying in the warmth and in the bedclothes.

BLEPYRUS And the Laconian shoes — why did they go off with you, and the staff?

PRAXAGORA That I might save the cloak, I changed footwear, imitating you and stamping my feet and striking the stones with the staff.

BLEPYRUS Do you know that you have lost us a sixth-measure of wheat, which I should have got from the Assembly?

PRAXAGORA Do not worry; for she bore a male child.

BLEPYRUS The Assembly?

PRAXAGORA By Zeus, no, but the woman I went to. But has it taken place?

BLEPYRUS Yes, by Zeus. Did you not know that I told you yesterday?

PRAXAGORA Now I remember.

BLEPYRUS And do you not know, then, what was resolved?

PRAXAGORA By Zeus, not I.

BLEPYRUS Then sit and munch cuttlefish: they say the city has been handed over to you women.

PRAXAGORA To do what? To weave?

BLEPYRUS No, by Zeus, but to rule.

PRAXAGORA Over what?

BLEPYRUS Over all the affairs of the city.

PRAXAGORA By Aphrodite, then, the city will be blessed for the future.

BLEPYRUS In what way?

PRAXAGORA For many reasons. No longer will it be possible for those who dare to do shameful things to the city; nowhere will there be bearing of false witness, nor informing —

BLEPYRUS By the gods, do no such thing, and do not take away my livelihood!

NEIGHBOR My good man, let your wife speak.

PRAXAGORA — no robbing of cloaks, no envying one's neighbor, no one going naked or poor, no abuse, no being seized and carried off for pledges.

NEIGHBOR By Poseidon, great things, if she will not be lying.

PRAXAGORA But I will make this plain, so that you shall be my witness, and this man himself shall not gainsay me at all.

CHORUS Now indeed you must rouse your shrewd and philosophic mind, skilled to defend your friends. For with a new device of the tongue she comes, to the good fortune of the citizens, to make glorious the people with ten thousand benefits of life. Show, then, what your moment can do. For our city needs some clever invention. Only carry it through, with nothing done or said before; for they hate it if they see the old things often. But there must be no delay; you must lay hold of the matter with your wits, for to be quick wins most favor with the spectators.

PRAXAGORA Well, that I shall teach you good things I am confident; but the spectators — whether they will be willing to make innovations and not dwell too much on the old and habitual — that is what I chiefly fear.

BLEPYRUS As for innovating, have no fear; for to do this, in place of any other principle of government, and to disregard the old, is just our way.

PRAXAGORA Then let none of you gainsay or interrupt me beforehand, before he understands the idea and has heard the speaker. I say that all men must share in everything in common and live from a common stock, and not that one should be rich and another wretched; nor that one should farm much land and another not have enough even to be buried in; nor that one should use many slaves and another not even a single attendant. No — I make one common livelihood for all, and that the same.

BLEPYRUS How, then, will it be common to all?

PRAXAGORA You would eat dung sooner than I.

BLEPYRUS Do we share the dung in common too?

PRAXAGORA By Zeus, no — but you got in before me with your interruption. For this is what I was going to say: I will make the land first of all common to all, and the money, and everything else that each man has. Then from these common stocks we women will feed you, managing thriftily and keeping our wits about us.

BLEPYRUS How, then, with one who possesses no land among us, but has silver and Daric coins — unseen wealth?

PRAXAGORA He will deposit it into the common store; and if he does not deposit it, he will be forsworn.

BLEPYRUS But it was through that very thing that he acquired it.

PRAXAGORA But it will be of no use to him at all, anyway.

BLEPYRUS Why so?

PRAXAGORA No one will do anything out of poverty; for everyone will have everything: loaves, fish-slices, barley-cakes, cloaks, wine, garlands, chickpeas. So what advantage is it not to deposit? Find that out and show it me.

BLEPYRUS But do not these men now steal more, who have these things to hand?

PRAXAGORA Formerly, friend, when we used the former laws; but now, since the livelihood will be from the common store, what advantage is there in not depositing?

BLEPYRUS If a man, seeing a girl, conceives a desire and wishes to fumble with her, he will be able to take from these stores and make her a present, and share in the common goods by sleeping with her too.

PRAXAGORA But he will be able to sleep with her for nothing. For these too I make common to the men, to lie with and to beget children for whoever wishes.

BLEPYRUS How, then, will not all men go to the loveliest of them and seek to ram her?

PRAXAGORA The plainer and snubber-nosed women will sit beside the lovely ones; and then, if a man desires the lovely one, he will first have to bang the ugly one.

BLEPYRUS And how shall we old men, if we couple with the ugly women, not have our members give out first, before we get to where you say?

PRAXAGORA They will not fight over you. Be of good cheer about that — do not fear; they will not fight over you.

BLEPYRUS About what?

PRAXAGORA About not sleeping with you. And such is your lot in any case.

BLEPYRUS Your women's part has some sense in it; for it has been provided beforehand that no woman's hole be left empty. But what will the men's part do? They will flee the uglier men and go to the handsome.

PRAXAGORA But the plainer men will keep watch on the handsomer ones as they leave the dinner and will lie in wait for them at the public places; and women will not be allowed to lie with the handsome and the tall before they have granted favors to the ugly and the small.

BLEPYRUS Then Lysicrates' nose will now have equal pride with the handsome.

PRAXAGORA By Apollo, yes; and it is a democratic plan, and there will be great mockery of the more dignified men and those who wear signet-rings, whenever a man with a workman's shoe says first, "Give way; then watch, until I have finished and yield you the second turn."

BLEPYRUS How, then, living in this way, will each man be able to tell his own children apart?

PRAXAGORA Why need he? They will consider all the older men to be their fathers, by reason of the ages.

BLEPYRUS Then they will throttle, well and properly, every old man in turn, out of ignorance — since even now, knowing him to be their father, they throttle him. What then, when he is unknown? Will they not befoul him into the bargain?

PRAXAGORA But the bystander will not allow it. In the old days, men cared nothing for it, whoever struck some other man's father; but now, if anyone hears a man being struck, fearing it may be his own father being beaten, he will fight with those who do this.

BLEPYRUS The rest of what you say is not at all foolish; but if Epicurus or Leucolophas comes up to me and calls me "Daddy," that would indeed be dreadful to hear.

PRAXAGORA Yet far more dreadful than that matter is —

BLEPYRUS What sort of thing?

PRAXAGORA — if Aristyllus should kiss you, claiming to be your father.

BLEPYRUS He would howl and wail for it.

PRAXAGORA But you would smell of pennyroyal. However, he was born before the decree was passed, so that there is no fear of his kissing you.

BLEPYRUS I should have suffered a dreadful thing. But who will be there to till the land?

PRAXAGORA The slaves. Your only care will be, when the gnomon marks ten feet of shadow, to go sleek to your dinner.

BLEPYRUS And about clothes — what provision will there be? For this too is worth asking.

PRAXAGORA The clothes you have now will do for the present, and afterwards we will weave you others.

BLEPYRUS One thing more I ask. How, if a man loses a suit before the magistrates in some case, where will he pay the fine from? For it is not just that it come from the common funds.

PRAXAGORA But there will be no lawsuits in the first place.

BLEPYRUS This statement will be the ruin of you.

PRAXAGORA And I have decided this too. For on what account, you poor wretch, will there be any?

BLEPYRUS On many accounts, by Apollo; but first, on one account at least: if a debtor denies his debt.

PRAXAGORA But from where did the lender lend, when all things are common? He is plainly a thief.

BLEPYRUS By Demeter, you teach well. But let her tell me this, then: those who strike a man in a brawl, from where will they pay the fine, when they have feasted and grow insolent? For here, I think, you will be at a loss.

PRAXAGORA From the barley-cake he eats. For when one takes that away, he will not so lightly be insolent again, being punished in his belly.

BLEPYRUS And again, will there be no thief at all?

PRAXAGORA For how should he steal, when he has a share in it?

BLEPYRUS And they will not strip people of their clothes by night?

PRAXAGORA Not if you sleep at home, nor if you go out as before; for there will be a livelihood for all. But if a man strips you, you will give it up of your own accord. For why should you trouble to fight? You will go and get another from the common store, a better one than that.

BLEPYRUS And men will not gamble, then?

PRAXAGORA For what stake will he do it?

BLEPYRUS And what manner of living will you provide?

PRAXAGORA A common one for all. For I say I will make the city one single dwelling, breaking all into one, so that men can walk into one another's houses.

BLEPYRUS And where will you serve the dinner?

PRAXAGORA I will make the law-courts and the porticoes all into men's dining-halls.

BLEPYRUS And what use will the speaker's platform be to you?

PRAXAGORA I will set the mixing-bowls and the water-jars there, and the little boys can recite there the deeds of those who were brave in war, and of any man who has turned coward, so that he, in shame, may not dine.

BLEPYRUS By Apollo, charming! And where will you turn the allotment-machines?

PRAXAGORA I will set them up in the market-place; and then, standing by Harmodius, I will allot to all, until each man, knowing his lot, goes off happy, knowing at which letter he dines. And the herald will proclaim that those from Beta follow him to the Royal Stoa to dine; those from Theta to the one next to it; and those from Kappa to go to the barley-meal stoa.

BLEPYRUS To gulp it down?

PRAXAGORA By Zeus, no, but to dine there.

BLEPYRUS And the man whose letter is not drawn for the place where he is to dine — everyone will drive him off.

PRAXAGORA But that will not happen with us; for we will provide all things in abundance to all, so that each man, drunken, garland and all, will go off taking his torch. And the women, falling upon the men coming from dinner at the crossings, will say this: "Here, this way to us; here there is a lovely girl." "At my place there is another," another will say from above, from her upper window, "very lovely and very fair-skinned; but first you must sleep with me." And the plainer men, following the handsome ones and the youths, will say such things as these: "Where are you running off to, you there? You will do nothing, however far you go; for it has been decreed that the snub-nosed and the ugly service first, while you, meanwhile, taking fig-leaves of the twice-bearing fig, may play with yourselves in the porches."

PRAXAGORA Come now, tell me, does this please you two?

BLEPYRUS Very much.

PRAXAGORA Then I must go to the market-place, to receive the goods as they come in, taking some woman with a clear voice as my crier. For I am bound to do these things, having been chosen to rule, and to establish the common messes, so that you may first feast this very day.

BLEPYRUS Are we to feast already, then?

PRAXAGORA I say so. And then I wish to put a stop to the whores, every one of them.

BLEPYRUS What for?

PRAXAGORA This is plain: so that these girls may have the prime of the young men. And the slave-women must not, adorning themselves, snatch away the Cyprian's favor from the free women, but must sleep only with the slaves, with their bush plucked down to a frieze-cloak.

BLEPYRUS Come then, let me walk along close beside you, so that I may be looked at and people may say of me, "Do you not admire this man, the husband of our general?"

FIRST MAN And I, that I may carry my goods to the market-place, will get them ready and examine my property.

[The Chorus dances.]

FIRST MAN Come here, you, my fine, fine bolter-sieve, first of my goods, out of doors, all powdered, that you may serve as my basket-bearer — you who have turned many a sack of mine upside-down. Where is the stool-bearer? Come out here, you cooking-pot. By Zeus, a black one — no blacker, even if you had chanced to boil the drug Lysicrates dyes himself black with. Stand by her. Come here, you hairdresser-girl. Bring this water-jar here, water-bearer, here. And you come out here, lyre-girl, who have so often roused me up to go to the Assembly, at an unearthly hour of the night, by your dawn-song. Let the man who took the kneading-trough come forward; bring the honeycombs; set the olive-branches close by; and bring out the two tripods and the oil-flask. Now let the little pots and the rabble go.

SECOND MAN I deposit my goods? Then I shall be an ill-starred man, and one of little sense. By Poseidon, never! Rather, I will first test the whole thing many times over and consider it. For I will not so foolishly throw away my sweat and thrift for nothing, before I find out exactly how the whole business stands. You there, what is the meaning of these vessels? Have you brought them out because you are changing house, or are you carrying them to put in pawn?

FIRST MAN By no means.

SECOND MAN Then why are they in a row like this? Surely you are not sending a procession to the herald Hiero?

FIRST MAN By Zeus, no, but I am about to carry them off to the city, to the market-place, according to the decreed laws.

SECOND MAN You are about to carry them off?

FIRST MAN Certainly.

SECOND MAN Then you are ill-starred, by Zeus the Savior.

FIRST MAN How so?

SECOND MAN How? Easily.

FIRST MAN What? Must I not obey the laws?

SECOND MAN What laws, you wretch?

FIRST MAN The ones that have been decreed.

SECOND MAN Decreed? What a fool you are, then.

FIRST MAN A fool?

SECOND MAN Are you not? The very stupidest of all men.

FIRST MAN Because I do what is appointed?

SECOND MAN Must the prudent man do what is appointed?

FIRST MAN Most of all men.

SECOND MAN The simpleton, rather.

FIRST MAN And you — do you not mean to deposit your goods?

SECOND MAN I will take care, until I see what the majority decides.

FIRST MAN Why, what else but to carry in their goods are they making ready?

SECOND MAN But I would believe it when I saw it.

FIRST MAN At any rate they say so in the streets.

SECOND MAN They will say so.

FIRST MAN And they say they will shoulder them and bring them in.

SECOND MAN They will say so.

FIRST MAN You will be the death of me, doubting everything.

SECOND MAN They will doubt it.

FIRST MAN May Zeus crush you!

SECOND MAN They will crush.

Do you think anyone with sense will bring his goods? For that is not our ancestral custom; rather we must only receive, by Zeus. For so do the gods too. You will know it from the hands of their statues; for whenever we pray for them to grant good things, the statue stands stretching out its hand palm-up, not as if to give something, but to take.

FIRST MAN My good man, let me get on with something useful. These things must be tied together. Where is my strap?

SECOND MAN Are you really going to carry them?

FIRST MAN Yes, by Zeus; and look, I am already lashing these two tripods together.

SECOND MAN What folly — not to wait and see what the others will do, and then at that point —

FIRST MAN To do what?

SECOND MAN — to hang back, and then to delay still further.

FIRST MAN Why, for what purpose?

SECOND MAN In case an earthquake should perhaps happen, or an unlucky fire, or a weasel should dart across, they would stop bringing in their goods, you thunderstruck fool.

FIRST MAN A charming thing it would be, indeed, if I had nowhere to put these down.

SECOND MAN Have no fear that you will lack somewhere to put them; take heart, you will deposit them even if you come the day after tomorrow.

FIRST MAN How so?

SECOND MAN I know these men: they vote quickly, and then deny again whatever they have resolved.

FIRST MAN They will bring them in, friend.

SECOND MAN But if they do not bring them, what then?

FIRST MAN Never fear, they will bring them.

SECOND MAN But if they do not bring them, what then?

FIRST MAN We will fight them.

SECOND MAN But if they are stronger, what then?

FIRST MAN I will go off and leave my goods.

SECOND MAN But if they sell them, what then?

FIRST MAN Burst yourself!

SECOND MAN And if I do burst, what then?

FIRST MAN You will do well.

SECOND MAN And you really want to carry your goods in?

FIRST MAN I do; for I see my own neighbors carrying theirs.

SECOND MAN Of course Antisthenes would bring his in! It would be far more in tune for him to sit on the stool more than thirty days first.

FIRST MAN Go to the devil.

SECOND MAN And Callimachus the chorus-trainer — will he bring in anything to them?

FIRST MAN More than Callias.

SECOND MAN This fellow will throw away his property.

FIRST MAN You talk strangely.

SECOND MAN What is strange? As if I did not always see such decrees being passed! Do you not know that one about the salt that they approved?

FIRST MAN I do.

SECOND MAN And when we voted those copper coins, do you not remember?

FIRST MAN Yes, and a bad business that coinage was for me. For selling my grapes, I went off with my jaw full of coppers, and then I went to the market for barley-meal. And then, just as I was holding out my bag, the herald cried out that no one should accept copper any more; "for we use silver."

SECOND MAN And the other day, were we not all swearing that the city would gain five hundred talents from the two-and-a-half percent tax that Euripides devised? And at once every man was gilding Euripides. But when, on looking into it, the thing proved to be "Zeus's Corinth" and did not answer, again every man was tarring Euripides.

FIRST MAN That is not the same thing, my friend. Then we were the rulers; now the women are.

SECOND MAN Whom I will guard against, by Poseidon, lest they piss on me.

FIRST MAN I do not know what you are babbling about. Bring the yoke, boy.

CRIER-WOMAN O all you citizens — for so it now stands — come, hasten straight to the general's house, that fortune, casting lots for you, may tell each man where he is to dine. For the tables are heaped with all good things and made ready, and couches strewn with rugs and coverlets; they are mixing the bowls; the perfume-sellers stand in rows; the fish-slices are being fanned; they are spitting hares; cakes are baking; garlands being plaited; sweetmeats roasting; the youngest women are boiling pots of pea-soup. And Smoeus among them, in his cavalry uniform, is scouring out the women's bowls. And Geron comes along in a fine mantle and dancing-shoes, laughing with another youth; but his workman's shoe lies cast aside, and his worn cloak flung off. So come to these things, for the man with the barley-cake stands waiting; only open your jaws.

SECOND MAN Well then, I will go. For why do I stand here, holding back, since the city has resolved on this?

FIRST MAN And where will you go, without having deposited your property?

SECOND MAN To dinner.

FIRST MAN Not so, if the women have any sense, not before you have carried in your goods.

SECOND MAN But I will carry them.

FIRST MAN When?

SECOND MAN What is mine, friend, will not stand in the way.

FIRST MAN How so?

SECOND MAN I say there will be others to bring theirs in still later than I.

FIRST MAN But you will go to dine nonetheless?

SECOND MAN What am I to do? Right-minded men must lend the city such aid as they can.

FIRST MAN And if they prevent you, what then?

SECOND MAN I will go for them head-down.

FIRST MAN And if they whip you, what then?

SECOND MAN We will summon them to court.

FIRST MAN And if they laugh at you, what then?

SECOND MAN Standing at the doors —

FIRST MAN What will you do? Tell me.

SECOND MAN I will snatch the food from those carrying it in.

FIRST MAN Then go in later. And you, Sicon and Parmenon, take up the whole property.

SECOND MAN Come, let me help you carry it.

FIRST MAN No, by no means; for I am afraid that, even at the general's, when I deposit them, you will lay claim to the goods.

SECOND MAN By Zeus, I really must devise some scheme, so that I may both keep the goods I have and somehow share in common with these others in what is being cooked. It seems to me the right course; I must go to dine, head-on, and not delay.

[The Chorus dances.]

FIRST OLD WOMAN If anyone wishes to enjoy some good thing, he must sleep with me. For wisdom is not in young girls, but in the ripe; nor would anyone be willing to cherish more than I the lover I was with, but he would flit off to another.

FIRST GIRL Do not begrudge the young girls. For daintiness is inborn in their soft thighs, and blooms upon their breasts; but you, old woman, are plucked and smeared with paint, a darling for Death.

FIRST OLD WOMAN May your hole fall out, and may you lose your bed-frame when you want to be banged, and may you find a snake on your couch and draw it to you when you want to kiss.

SECOND GIRL Alas, what will become of me? My lover has not come; I am left here alone, for my mother has gone off elsewhere — and the rest there is no need to tell. But, nurse, I beg you, call Orthagoras, that you may have joy of yourself, I implore you.

SECOND OLD WOMAN Already, you poor wretch, you itch in the Ionian fashion; and you seem to me to play the Lesbian "lambda" too. But you shall never snatch away my playthings; nor will you destroy or take away my prime.

FIRST GIRL Sing as much as you like, and peep out like a weasel; for no one will go in to you before me, in my place.

FIRST OLD WOMAN Not to a funeral, at any rate.

FIRST GIRL That is something new, you rotten thing.

FIRST OLD WOMAN Not at all.

FIRST GIRL Why, what new thing could one say to an old woman?

FIRST OLD WOMAN It is not my old age that will pain you.

FIRST GIRL What then? Your rouge, and your white lead?

FIRST OLD WOMAN Why do you talk to me?

FIRST GIRL And you — why do you peep out?

FIRST OLD WOMAN I? I am singing to myself, to my dear Epigenes.

FIRST GIRL Is there any other lover you have but old Geres?

FIRST OLD WOMAN He will show you too; for he will come to me soon.

FIRST GIRL Look, here he is himself.

FIRST OLD WOMAN He is not in want of you at all, you pest.

FIRST GIRL By Zeus, you withered thing, he will soon show, since I am going off.

FIRST OLD WOMAN And I too, that you may learn how much higher I think myself than you.

YOUTH Would that I might sleep with the young girl, and not have to bang a snub-nosed or an older woman first; for that is not to be borne by a free man.

FIRST OLD WOMAN Then, by Zeus, you shall bang to your sorrow. For these are not the days of Charixene. According to the law it is just to do this, if we are governed democratically. But I will go and watch what in the world he will do.

YOUTH Would, O gods, I might catch the fair one alone, the one I have come to after drinking, long since longing for her.

FIRST GIRL I have deceived the cursed old hag; she is gone, thinking I was staying indoors. But here is the very man we were speaking of.

FIRST GIRL This way, this way, my love, this way; come to me, and be my bedfellow for the night. For some great longing for these locks of yours shakes me; and a strange desire lies upon me that has worn me away. Release me, I beseech you, Eros, and make this man come to my bed.

YOUTH This way, this way, and you, running down to me, open this door; or else I shall fall down and lie here. No — I would rather, in your bosom, play and tussle with your buttocks. Cypris, why do you madden me for this girl? Release me, I beseech you, Eros, and make this girl come to my bed.

SECOND GIRL And these words are spoken but moderately, against my great need. But you, dearest, oh, I beseech you, open, embrace me; for through you I have these pains.

YOUTH O my gold-wrought darling, scion of Cypris, bee of the Muse, nursling of the Graces, very face of Luxury — open, embrace me; for through you I have these pains.

FIRST OLD WOMAN You there, what are you knocking for? Are you looking for me?

YOUTH How so?

FIRST OLD WOMAN And you were battering at the door.

YOUTH May I die, then.

FIRST OLD WOMAN What is it you want, that you come with a torch?

YOUTH I am looking for a man from the deme of Anaphlystus.

FIRST OLD WOMAN Whom?

YOUTH Not "Sebinos," whom you perhaps expect.

FIRST OLD WOMAN By Aphrodite, whether you will or no.

YOUTH But we are not now bringing on the cases of women over sixty; we have put those off to another time. We are trying the cases of those under twenty.

FIRST OLD WOMAN That was under the former government, sweetheart; but now it is resolved to bring us women on first.

YOUTH For whoever wishes, according to the rule in draughts.

FIRST OLD WOMAN But you do not dine according to the rule in draughts.

YOUTH I do not know what you mean. It is at this door I must knock.

FIRST OLD WOMAN Yes — when you have first knocked at my door.

YOUTH But it is no bolting-sieve we are asking for at present.

FIRST OLD WOMAN I know I am loved; and now you wonder to find me out of doors. But come, bring your mouth here.

YOUTH But, my dear, I dread your lover.

FIRST OLD WOMAN Whom?

YOUTH The best of the painters.

FIRST OLD WOMAN And who is that?

YOUTH The one who paints the oil-flasks for the dead. But go away, lest he see you at the door.

FIRST OLD WOMAN I know, I know what you want.

YOUTH And I you, by Zeus.

FIRST OLD WOMAN By Aphrodite, who got me by the lot when she drew, I will not let you go.

YOUTH You are out of your mind, you little old woman.

FIRST OLD WOMAN You talk nonsense; I will drag you to my bed.

YOUTH Then why do we buy flesh-hooks for the buckets, when we could let down an old woman like this and have her gather up the buckets out of the wells?

FIRST OLD WOMAN Do not mock me, you wretch, but follow me here, to my house.

YOUTH But there is no compulsion on me, unless you have paid the five-hundredth part of my goods to the city.

FIRST OLD WOMAN By Aphrodite, you must, indeed; for I delight in sleeping with men of your age.

YOUTH And I am disgusted with women of your age, and I would never consent.

FIRST OLD WOMAN But, by Zeus, this will compel you.

YOUTH And what is this?

FIRST OLD WOMAN A decree, according to which you must come to me.

YOUTH Recite it — what in the world it is.

FIRST OLD WOMAN I will recite it to you. "It is resolved by the women: if a young man desires a young girl, he shall not bang her until he has first knocked the old woman; and if he is unwilling to knock the old one first, but desires the young one, then the older women may haul the young man off with impunity, taking hold of his peg."

YOUTH Alas! Today I shall become a Procrustes.

FIRST OLD WOMAN For our laws must be obeyed.

YOUTH But what if some man of my deme or of my friends comes and rescues me?

FIRST OLD WOMAN But no man is any longer master over a measure's worth.

YOUTH And is there no exemption on oath?

FIRST OLD WOMAN No; for there must be no shuffling.

YOUTH But I will plead that I am a merchant.

FIRST OLD WOMAN You will, to your cost.

YOUTH What, then, must I do?

FIRST OLD WOMAN Follow me here, to my house.

YOUTH And is this compulsory for me?

FIRST OLD WOMAN A Diomedean compulsion.

YOUTH Then first strew the bed with marjoram, and lay under it four vine-branches, broken short, and put on the fillets, and set the oil-flasks beside it, and place the water-crock before the door.

FIRST OLD WOMAN Truly, you will buy me a bridal-wreath besides.

YOUTH Yes, by Zeus, if it be one of the wax kind; for I think you will fall to pieces inside in a moment.

FIRST GIRL Where are you dragging this man?

FIRST OLD WOMAN I am taking my own man indoors.

FIRST GIRL Not in your right mind. For he is not of an age to sleep with you, being as young as he is; since you would be more his mother than his wife. So if you establish this law, you will fill the whole land with Oedipuses.

FIRST OLD WOMAN You utterly loathsome creature, it is out of envy you devised this argument; but I will take vengeance on you.

YOUTH By Zeus the Savior, you have done me a kindness, sweetest one, in ridding me of the old woman; so that in return for these good services I will pay you a great and thick favor at evening.

SECOND OLD WOMAN You there, where are you dragging this man, in breach of the law, when the writings have said he must sleep with me first?

YOUTH Alas, wretched me! Where did you pop up from, you most cursed creature, doomed to a vile end? For this evil is more abominable than that one.

SECOND OLD WOMAN Come here.

YOUTH By no means look on while I am dragged off by this woman, I implore you.

SECOND OLD WOMAN But it is not I; it is the law that drags you.

YOUTH Not me; it is some Empusa clothed in a blister of blood.

SECOND OLD WOMAN Follow this way, softling, and quickly, and do not chatter.

YOUTH Come now, let me first go to the privy and gather my courage to myself; or else you will see me here at once doing something yellow, out of fear.

SECOND OLD WOMAN Take heart, walk on; you can do your business inside.

YOUTH I am afraid I may do more than I wish. But I will give you two sufficient sureties.

SECOND OLD WOMAN Do not stand sureties for me.

THIRD OLD WOMAN You there, where, where are you going off to with this woman?

YOUTH I am not going; I am being dragged. But whoever you are, may many good things befall you, because you did not look on while I was undone. O Heracles, O Pans, O Corybantes, O Dioscuri — this evil, again, is far more abominable than that. But what in the world is this thing, I beseech you? A monkey daubed all over with white lead, or an old woman risen up from the majority below?

THIRD OLD WOMAN Do not mock me, but follow me here.

SECOND OLD WOMAN No, this way.

THIRD OLD WOMAN For I will never let you go.

SECOND OLD WOMAN Nor will I.

YOUTH You will tear me apart, you wretches doomed to a vile end.

SECOND OLD WOMAN For you must follow me, according to the law.

THIRD OLD WOMAN Not if another old woman appears uglier still.

YOUTH If, then, I am wretchedly destroyed by you first, tell me, how shall I ever reach that lovely girl?

THIRD OLD WOMAN Look to that yourself; but this you must do.

YOUTH Which of you, then, must I bang first to be rid of you?

SECOND OLD WOMAN Do you not know? You will come this way.

YOUTH Then let this one let me go.

THIRD OLD WOMAN No, come this way, to me.

YOUTH If this one lets me go.

SECOND OLD WOMAN But I will not let you go, by Zeus.

THIRD OLD WOMAN Nor will I.

YOUTH You would have made hard ferrywomen.

SECOND OLD WOMAN Why?

YOUTH Dragging at your passengers, you would wear them out.

SECOND OLD WOMAN Walk this way in silence.

THIRD OLD WOMAN No, by Zeus, to my house.

YOUTH This business is plainly according to Cannonus' decree: I must bang split in two. How, then, shall I be able to ply two oars at once?

SECOND OLD WOMAN Well enough, when you have eaten a pot of bulbs.

YOUTH Alas, ill-starred me, I am already being dragged near the door.

THIRD OLD WOMAN But it will avail you nothing; for I will burst in along with you.

YOUTH No, by the gods! For it is better to be tangled with one evil than with two.

THIRD OLD WOMAN By Hecate, you shall, whether you will or not.

YOUTH O thrice-wretched me, if I must bang a rotten woman the whole night and the whole day, and then, when I am rid of her, again a Phryne with a death-flask at her jaws! Am I not ill-starred? A heavy-fated man indeed, by Zeus the Savior, and unfortunate, who am to be shut up with such beasts. Still, if I should suffer many things many times over from these two harlots as I sail in here, bury me at the very mouth of the channel; and this one, set above, on top of the tomb, alive, smear her with pitch, and pour molten lead about her feet, round the ankles, and set her up on top as a pretext for an oil-flask.

MAIDSERVANT O blessed people, and happy I, and most blessed of all my mistress herself, and you women who stand here at the doors, and all the neighbors and demesmen, and besides these I myself, the serving-maid, who have anointed my head with good unguents — O Zeus! But far surpassing all of these are the little Thasian wine-jars. For it stays in the head a long time, while the rest, when their bloom is shed, all flit away; so that it is far the best, far indeed, O gods. Mix it neat: it will gladden one the whole night through, choosing whatever has the strongest scent. But, women, tell me where my master is, the husband of my mistress.

CHORUS If you wait here, you would seem to find him.

MAIDSERVANT Just so; for here he comes to his dinner. O master, O blessed and thrice-happy man!

BLEPYRUS I?

MAIDSERVANT You indeed, by Zeus, as no man else. For who could be more fortunate than you, who, of citizens more than thirty thousand in number, alone have not yet dined?

CHORUS A happy man indeed you have plainly described.

MAIDSERVANT Where, where are you off to?

BLEPYRUS I am going to dinner.

MAIDSERVANT By Aphrodite, much the last of all. Still, my mistress bade me take you with me and bring you, and these girls here along with you. And there is some Chian wine left over, and other good things. So do not delay over this; and if any of the spectators is well-disposed, and if any of the judges does not look elsewhere, let him come along with us; for we will provide everything.

BLEPYRUS Then will you not generously call them all, and leave out no one, but freely invite the old man, the youth, the little boy? For the dinner has been made ready for all of them, every one, if they go off home. But I will hasten now to the dinner; and I have this fine torch here, as you see.

CHORUS Why do you stand there dawdling, then, instead of taking these girls and leading them off? And while you go down, I will sing a song fit for the eve of dinner. And I wish to make a small suggestion to the judges: let the wise, remembering my wise parts, judge for me; and let the merry, for the laughter's sake, judge for me; in short, then, I bid nearly all to judge for me, and let the lot, because it has fallen first, be no cause of harm to us; but remembering all this, they must not break their oaths, but always judge the choruses rightly, and not be like the bad courtesans, who keep in mind only the last men, always.

CHORUS Oh, oh, it is time, dear women, if we mean to do the deed, to slip off to dinner. So move your feet in the Cretan style; and you too, set them going.

BLEPYRUS That I am doing.

CHORUS And these slim-legged girls now — set the rhythm of the dance with your little legs. For soon there shall come on a dish of limpet-slices-of-shark-and-dogfish-leftover-heads-sharp-sauce-with-silphium-cheese-honey-poured-over-thrush-on-top-of-blackbird-ringdove-pigeon-roast-cock's-brains-wagtail-cushat-hare-stewed-in-new-wine-with-the-gristle-of-wings. And you, having heard all this, quickly and at speed take up a bowl; and then, taking it, hurry to fetch some porridge, that you may dine. But they are gobbling somewhere, I think. Up, up with you! Hurrah, huzzah! We shall dine, hurrah, huzzah, huzzah, as for a victory! Huzzah, huzzah, huzzah, huzzah!