Wealth

CARION What a grievous thing it is, O Zeus and you gods, to be born the slave of a master who has lost his wits! For let the servant chance to give the best of advice, and let his owner decide not to act on it, then the servant must share in the misfortune. For fate does not allow the man to be lord of his own body, but the one who has bought him. Well, so much for that. But against Loxias, who chants his oracles from a tripod beaten out of gold, I bring this just complaint: that being, as they say, a wise physician and prophet, he has sent my master home a melancholy madman, a man who walks behind a blind one, doing the very opposite of what he ought. For we who can see lead the blind, while this man follows behind one, and forces me to do the same, and that without a word, not so much as a grunt, in answer to my questions. So I, for my part, will by no means keep silent unless you tell me why we are trailing this fellow, master; no, I shall make trouble for you. For you cannot beat me while I am wearing a garland.

CHREMYLUS No, by Zeus, but I will take off your garland, if you annoy me, so that you may smart the more.

CARION Nonsense! For I shall not stop until you tell me who in the world this man is. I ask out of pure goodwill toward you.

CHREMYLUS Well, I will not hide it from you, for of all my household I count you the most faithful — and the most thievish. I was a god-fearing and upright man, yet I fared badly and was poor —

CARION I know, indeed.

CHREMYLUS — while others grew rich: temple-robbers, public speakers, informers, and scoundrels.

CARION I believe it.

CHREMYLUS So I went off to consult the god, thinking my own life, wretched as I am, all but shot away by now, but wishing to ask about my son, the only one I happen to have, whether he ought to change his ways and become a villain, unjust, with nothing sound in him at all, since I had come to think that this very thing was the profitable course in life.

CARION And what did Phoebus pronounce from out of his fillets?

CHREMYLUS You shall hear. For the god told me this plainly: whomever I should first meet on going out, he bade me not let go of him any more, but persuade him to come home along with me.

CARION And who is it, then, that you meet first?

CHREMYLUS This man here.

CARION Then do you not understand the god's intent, which tells you, you great fool, as plainly as can be, that your son should practice the way of the country?

CHREMYLUS On what do you judge this?

CARION It is plain that even a blind man can see this, that it is highly profitable to practice nothing sound in the present age.

CHREMYLUS It cannot be that the oracle inclines to that, but to something else, something greater. If this man would only tell us who in the world he is, and on what account and from what need he has come here with the two of us, we might learn what our oracle means.

CARION Come now, will you tell us yourself who you are, or am I to proceed to the next step? You had better speak very quickly.

PLUTUS I tell you, go and howl.

CARION Do you understand who he says he is?

CHREMYLUS He says that to you, not to me; for you question him clumsily and harshly. (To Plutus) But if you take any pleasure in the ways of a man true to his oath, tell me.

PLUTUS I tell you, go and weep.

CARION Take the man and the god's lucky bird with him!

CHREMYLUS You will not get away with it, by Demeter, no longer — if you do not tell us —

CARION I shall destroy you, you wretch, in wretched fashion.

CHREMYLUS My good man —

PLUTUS Get away from me, the pair of you!

CHREMYLUS Not a chance.

CARION And indeed what I propose is best, master. I shall destroy this fellow most miserably. I shall set him on the edge of some cliff and leave him there, then go off, so that from there he may fall and break his neck.

CHREMYLUS Then lift him up, quickly.

PLUTUS By no means!

CHREMYLUS Will you not speak, then?

PLUTUS But if you learn who I am, I am quite sure you will work me some mischief and will not let me go.

CHREMYLUS We will, by the gods, if that is what you wish.

PLUTUS Then first let go of me.

CHREMYLUS There, we let go.

PLUTUS Now listen, both of you; for it seems I must tell what I had prepared to conceal. I am Plutus, Wealth himself.

CHREMYLUS You vilest of all men — so you kept silent, you who are Wealth?

CARION You, Wealth — in such a sorry state?

CHREMYLUS O Phoebus Apollo, and you gods and spirits, and Zeus, what are you saying? Are you really he?

PLUTUS Yes.

CHREMYLUS The very one himself?

PLUTUS The very, very same.

CHREMYLUS Then tell me, where do you come from, walking so squalid and unwashed?

PLUTUS I come from the house of Patrocles, who has not had a bath since the day he was born.

CHREMYLUS But this affliction — how did you come by it? Tell me.

PLUTUS Zeus did this to me, out of envy toward mankind. For when I was a young man I threatened that I would go only to the just and the wise and the orderly; and so he made me blind, that I might not be able to tell any one of them apart. So thoroughly does he envy the good.

CHREMYLUS And yet it is on account of the good and just alone that he is honored.

PLUTUS I grant you that.

CHREMYLUS Come then: if you could see again as you did before, would you now flee from the wicked?

PLUTUS I would.

CHREMYLUS And would you go to the just?

PLUTUS Indeed I would; for I have not laid eyes on them for a very long time.

CHREMYLUS And no wonder; for I, who can see, have not either.

PLUTUS Now let me go; for now you know all there is to know of me.

CHREMYLUS No, by Zeus; rather we shall cling to you all the more.

PLUTUS Did I not declare that you meant to make trouble for me?

CHREMYLUS And you, I beg you, be persuaded, and do not abandon me; for though you search, you will never find a man of better character than I am.

CARION By Zeus, no — there is no other but me.

PLUTUS That is what they all say; but when they really get hold of me and become rich, they outright surpass all bounds in villainy.

CHREMYLUS That is how it stands; but not all men are bad.

PLUTUS By Zeus, every single one of them.

CARION You shall pay for that, and pay long.

CHREMYLUS But that you may know how many good things will come to you among us if you stay, give heed and learn. For I think, I do think — and let it be said with the god's blessing — that I shall rid you of this disease of the eyes by making you see.

PLUTUS By no means do that! I have no wish to see again.

CHREMYLUS What are you saying?

CARION This man is wretched by nature.

PLUTUS Zeus, if he should learn the folly of these men, would crush me utterly.

CHREMYLUS And is he not doing so even now, when he lets you go stumbling about?

PLUTUS I do not know; but I dread him exceedingly.

CHREMYLUS Is that so, you most cowardly of all the divinities? Do you think the kingship of Zeus and his thunderbolts are worth three obols, if you should see again for even a little while?

PLUTUS Ah, do not say such things, you wretch!

CHREMYLUS Be calm. For I shall prove that you are far mightier than Zeus.

PLUTUS I, mightier?

CHREMYLUS Yes, by heaven. For tell me: through whom does Zeus rule the gods?

CARION Through money; for he has the most of it.

CHREMYLUS Come now: who is it that provides this money for him?

CARION This one here.

CHREMYLUS And through whom do men sacrifice to him? Is it not through this fellow?

CARION And, by Zeus, they pray outright to be rich.

CHREMYLUS Then is not this one the cause of it, and could he not easily put a stop to it, if he wished?

PLUTUS How so?

CHREMYLUS Because no single man would sacrifice any more — no ox, no barley-cake, nor anything else at all — if you did not will it.

PLUTUS How?

CHREMYLUS How? Why, there is no way a man can buy the victim unless you yourself are present to provide the silver; so that, if Zeus annoys you, you alone can dissolve his power.

PLUTUS What do you mean? Is it through me that men sacrifice to him?

CHREMYLUS I say so. And, by Zeus, if there is anything splendid or fair or pleasing among mankind, it comes about through you. For all things are subject to being rich.

CARION I, at least, for a paltry bit of silver became a slave — because, I suppose, I was not rich.

CHREMYLUS And they say the courtesans of Corinth, when a poor man tries his luck with them, pay him no heed; but if he is rich, they at once turn their backsides to him.

CARION And boys, they say, do the very same thing, not for their lovers' sake but for money's.

CHREMYLUS Not the decent ones, but the prostitutes; for the decent ones do not ask for money.

CARION For what then?

CHREMYLUS One asks for a good horse, another for hunting dogs.

CARION Ashamed perhaps to ask for money outright, they wrap up their depravity in a fine name.

CHREMYLUS Every craft, and every clever device among men, has been invented because of you. One of us sits and cuts leather —

CARION Another works bronze, another is a carpenter —

CHREMYLUS Another works gold — gold he has received from you —

CARION Another, by Zeus, robs cloaks, another bores through walls —

CHREMYLUS Another is a fuller —

CARION Another washes wool —

CHREMYLUS Another tans hides —

CARION Another sells onions —

CHREMYLUS And the adulterer caught in the act gets his hairs plucked out, because of you.

PLUTUS Alas, wretch that I am, all this has escaped me this long while!

CARION And the Great King — is he not proud and long-haired because of this fellow?

CHREMYLUS And the Assembly — does it not meet because of him?

CARION What of it? Do you not man the triremes? Tell me.

CHREMYLUS And the mercenary force at Corinth — does not this one feed it?

CARION And Pamphilus — will he not suffer because of this fellow?

CHREMYLUS And the needle-seller along with Pamphilus?

CARION Agyrrhius — does he not break wind because of him?

CHREMYLUS And Philepsius — does he not tell his tales for your sake?

CARION And the alliance with the Egyptians — is it not for your sake?

CHREMYLUS And does not Lais love Philonides because of you?

CARION And the tower of Timotheus —

CHREMYLUS — may it fall upon you! And are not all affairs carried out because of you? For you, you alone of all, are the cause both of evils and of goods, be assured of it.

CARION At any rate, in their wars men always win wherever this fellow merely takes his seat.

PLUTUS Am I, a single being, able to do all this?

CHREMYLUS Yes, by Zeus, and far more than this; so that no one has ever yet had his fill of you. For of all other things there is satiety — of love —

CARION of loaves —

CHREMYLUS of music —

CARION of sweetmeats —

CHREMYLUS of honor —

CARION of cakes —

CHREMYLUS of manly virtue —

CARION of dried figs —

CHREMYLUS of ambition —

CARION of barley-bread —

CHREMYLUS of high command —

CARION of lentil soup —

CHREMYLUS — but of you no man has ever yet had his fill. Rather, if a man gets thirteen talents, he is all the keener to get sixteen; and if he achieves that, he wants forty, or he says his life is not worth living.

PLUTUS You both seem to me to speak very well — except for one thing only that I fear.

CHREMYLUS Tell me, about what?

PLUTUS How I am to become master of this power that you say I have.

CHREMYLUS By Zeus — but everyone also says that Wealth is the most cowardly of beings.

PLUTUS Not at all; rather, some house-breaker has slandered me. For once, when he had broken into a house, he could find nothing to take, since he found everything locked away; and then he gave my foresight the name of cowardice.

CHREMYLUS Then let it not trouble you at all; for if you become a zealous man yourself in this business, I shall make you see more sharply than Lynceus.

PLUTUS How then will you be able to do this, being a mortal?

CHREMYLUS I have a good hope, from what Phoebus himself told me as he shook the Pythian laurel.

PLUTUS So he too is privy to this?

CHREMYLUS I say so.

PLUTUS Take care.

CHREMYLUS Have no worries, my good friend. For I — know this well — even if I must die, will carry this through myself.

CARION And, if you wish, so will I.

CHREMYLUS And many others too will be our allies — all those who, being just, never had their barley-meal.

PLUTUS Phew! Sorry allies you have named for us.

CHREMYLUS No, not once they grow rich again from the start. But you — run off quickly —

CARION What am I to do? Tell me.

CHREMYLUS — call my fellow farmers; you will probably find them in the fields, toiling away, so that each of them may be here in person and share equally with us his portion of this Wealth.

CARION I am off at once. But let someone from indoors take this little scrap of meat and carry it in.

CHREMYLUS I will see to that; only run with all speed. And you, mightiest Wealth of all divinities, come in here with me. For this is the house which you must today fill brimful of money, by fair means or foul.

PLUTUS But I am loath, by the gods, to go into another man's house every time; for I have never yet had any good of it. If I happen to come in upon a miser, at once he buries me deep beneath the earth; and if some honest friend comes to him, asking for a little bit of silver, he denies that he has ever even set eyes on me. And if I come in upon a madcap fellow, I am tossed away to whores and dice, and thrown out of doors stark naked in no time at all.

CHREMYLUS That is because you have never yet chanced upon a man of moderation. But I am always somehow of this sort: I take pleasure in thrift as no man does, and again in spending, when there is need of it. But let us go in, for I want you to see my wife, and my only son, whom I love most of all after you.

PLUTUS I believe you.

CHREMYLUS For why should one not tell you the truth?

[They go in.]

CARION O you who have often shared with my master the same thyme-flavored bread, men who are my friends and fellow demesmen and lovers of toil, come, bestir yourselves, make haste, for the moment is not one for delay, but stands upon the very crisis at which a man must be at hand to help.

CHORUS Do you not see that we have been pressing forward eagerly this long while, as is fitting for weak old men already? And yet you think it right, perhaps, that I should run, before you have even told me on what account your master has summoned me here.

CARION Why, have I not been telling you all along? You yourself do not listen. My master says that all of you shall live pleasantly, freed from a cold and crabbed life.

CHORUS And what is this thing he speaks of, and from where does it come?

CARION He has come back here, you poor fellows, bringing with him an old man, squalid, bent, wretched, wrinkled, balding, toothless; and I think, by heaven, he is circumcised too.

CHORUS O you who bring word golden as your tale, what do you say? Tell me again. You make it plain that he has come with a heap of money in hand.

CARION A heap of old men's miseries, rather, is what he has.

CHORUS Surely you do not expect to cheat us and then get off unpunished, and that with me holding my staff?

CARION Do you altogether suppose me to be such a fellow by nature in all respects, and think I could say nothing sound at all?

CHORUS How grand the rascal is! Your shins are crying out "Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo," longing for the stocks and the fetters.

CARION Your letter has drawn its lot to sit in judgment in the coffin, and you will not be going — and Charon hands you the token.

CHORUS Burst, then, you born trickster and rogue, you who cheat us but have not yet brought yourself to tell us — us, who after much labor, with no leisure, came here eagerly, threading our way through many roots of thyme.

CARION Well, I will hide it no longer. My master has come, friends, bringing Plutus, who will make you rich.

CHORUS Is it really possible for all of us to be rich?

CARION Why, by the gods, Midases, every one of you — if you should grow asses' ears.

CHORUS How I rejoice and delight, and long to dance for very pleasure, if what you say is really true!

CARION And I, for my part, will want to imitate the Cyclops — threttanelo! — and, swaying my feet about thus, to lead you along. But come, children, with frequent cries, bleating like little sheep and rank-smelling goats, follow me with foreskins drawn back, and like he-goats you shall break your fast.

CHORUS And we in turn shall seek you out, imitating the Cyclops — threttanelo! — bleating, catching you here in your hunger, with your wallet and your wild dewy greens, drunk and reeling, leading your little sheep; and finding you laid down to sleep somewhere at random, we shall take a great stake set alight and blind you.

CARION And I shall imitate Circe in every fashion — Circe who mixed the drugs, who once at Corinth persuaded the companions of Philonides that they were boars, to eat dung kneaded together that she had herself kneaded for them; and you, grunting for delight, follow your mother, you piglets.

CHORUS Then you, Circe, who mix the drugs and work magic and befoul your companions — we shall seize you for our pleasure, and imitating the son of Laertes hang you up by the testicles, and smear your nose with dung as one does a he-goat's; and you, gaping like Aristyllus, shall say, "Follow your mother, you piglets."

CARION But come now, having done with jests, turn yourselves to another sort of thing; and I shall go and now, in secret, take some bread and meat from my master, and chewing it spend the rest of my time on the job.

[Carion goes in. The Chorus dances.]

CHREMYLUS "Good day to you, my fellow demesmen" — that is an ancient and stale way of greeting now; but I welcome you, since you have come eagerly and with a will, not slackly. And see that in everything else you stand by me and are truly the saviors of the god.

CHORUS Take heart; for you shall think you see Ares himself in me. It would be a terrible thing if, for the sake of three obols, we jostle each other every time in the Assembly, yet I should let someone else carry off Wealth himself.

CHREMYLUS And look — here I see Blepsidemus coming this way; it is plain from his gait and his speed that he has heard something of the business.

BLEPSIDEMUS What then can the matter be? From where and in what way has Chremylus grown rich so suddenly? I do not believe it. And yet there was much talk, by Heracles, among the men sitting in the barbershops, that the fellow has suddenly become rich. But this very thing is a marvel to me, that, faring well, he sends for his friends. It is no native custom that he is practicing.

CHREMYLUS I will tell it, hiding nothing. By the gods, Blepsidemus, we are doing better than yesterday, so that you may share — for you are one of my friends.

BLEPSIDEMUS Have you really become rich, as they say?

CHREMYLUS I shall be, very soon, if the god is willing. For there is — there is some danger in the business.

BLEPSIDEMUS What sort?

CHREMYLUS What sort do you mean?

BLEPSIDEMUS Hurry and tell me what you mean.

CHREMYLUS If we succeed, we prosper forever; if we slip, we are utterly destroyed.

BLEPSIDEMUS This cargo looks bad to me, and does not please me. To grow over-rich so suddenly, and then again to be afraid, belongs to a man who has done nothing sound.

CHREMYLUS How, nothing sound?

BLEPSIDEMUS If you have come from there, by Zeus, having stolen some silver or gold from the god, and then perhaps you are repenting of it.

CHREMYLUS Apollo, avert it! By Zeus, not I.

BLEPSIDEMUS Stop your nonsense, my good man; I know it for certain.

CHREMYLUS Do not suspect any such thing of me.

BLEPSIDEMUS Alas, how absolutely nothing is sound in anyone, but all are slaves to gain!

CHREMYLUS By Demeter, you do not seem to me to be in your right mind.

BLEPSIDEMUS How far he has departed from the ways he had before!

CHREMYLUS You are raving, man, by heaven.

BLEPSIDEMUS Why, his very gaze is not in its place; it is plain he has done some villainy.

CHREMYLUS You — I know what you are croaking: you think I have stolen something, and you are looking to get a share.

BLEPSIDEMUS I, looking to get a share? Of what?

CHREMYLUS But the thing is not of that kind; it is otherwise.

BLEPSIDEMUS You have not stolen, then, but robbed?

CHREMYLUS You are possessed.

BLEPSIDEMUS But surely you have not defrauded anyone?

CHREMYLUS Not I, indeed.

BLEPSIDEMUS O Heracles! Come, where can a man turn? For he will not tell the truth.

CHREMYLUS You bring your charges before learning the matter from me.

BLEPSIDEMUS My good fellow, I am willing to settle this for a very small sum, before the city hears of it, by stopping the orators' mouths with coin.

CHREMYLUS Yes, and you would, I think — kindly, by the gods — lay out three minas and reckon it as twelve.

BLEPSIDEMUS I can see a man already, who will sit on the platform holding a suppliant's bough with his children and his wife, not at all to be distinguished from the Heraclidae of Pamphilus's painting.

CHREMYLUS Not so, you wretch, but I shall make only the good and the clever and the prudent grow rich at once.

BLEPSIDEMUS What are you saying? Have you stolen so very much?

CHREMYLUS Alas, my woes — you will be the death of me.

BLEPSIDEMUS You yourself, rather, by the look of it.

CHREMYLUS Not so, since I have Wealth himself, you scoundrel.

BLEPSIDEMUS You have Wealth? What sort?

CHREMYLUS The god himself.

BLEPSIDEMUS And where is he?

CHREMYLUS Indoors.

BLEPSIDEMUS Where?

CHREMYLUS At my house.

BLEPSIDEMUS At your house?

CHREMYLUS Just so.

BLEPSIDEMUS Go to the crows! Wealth, at your house?

CHREMYLUS By the gods.

BLEPSIDEMUS Are you telling the truth?

CHREMYLUS I say so.

BLEPSIDEMUS By Hestia?

CHREMYLUS By Poseidon.

BLEPSIDEMUS The sea-god, you mean?

CHREMYLUS And if there is some other Poseidon, by the other one too.

BLEPSIDEMUS Then will you not send him round to us, your friends, as well?

CHREMYLUS Matters are not yet at that stage.

BLEPSIDEMUS What do you mean? Not at the stage of sharing him out?

CHREMYLUS By Zeus, no. For first we must —

BLEPSIDEMUS What?

CHREMYLUS — make him see —

BLEPSIDEMUS Make whom see? Tell me.

CHREMYLUS Wealth, as he did before, by one means or another.

BLEPSIDEMUS Is he really blind, then?

CHREMYLUS By heaven, he is.

BLEPSIDEMUS No wonder, then, that he never once came to my house.

CHREMYLUS But, if the gods are willing, now he shall come.

BLEPSIDEMUS Ought you not to bring in some physician?

CHREMYLUS What physician is there now in the city? For there is neither fee nor skill.

BLEPSIDEMUS Let us consider.

CHREMYLUS But there is none.

BLEPSIDEMUS Nor do I think there is.

CHREMYLUS By Zeus, but the very thing I was preparing all along is best — to lay him down to sleep in the temple of Asclepius.

BLEPSIDEMUS Much the best, by the gods. So do not delay, but get on with doing some one thing.

CHREMYLUS Yes, I am on my way.

BLEPSIDEMUS Hurry, then.

CHREMYLUS That is just what I am doing.

POVERTY O you two miserable little men, daring to do a hot and unholy and lawless deed — where, where? Why are you fleeing? Will you not stay?

BLEPSIDEMUS Heracles!

POVERTY For I shall destroy you, wretches, in wretched fashion. For you are daring to dare an intolerable thing, such as no one else ever yet dared, neither god nor man; therefore you are as good as dead.

CHREMYLUS And who are you? You look pale to me.

BLEPSIDEMUS Perhaps she is some Fury out of a tragedy; at any rate her look is mad and tragic.

CHREMYLUS But she has no torches.

BLEPSIDEMUS Then she shall suffer for it.

POVERTY And who do you think I am?

CHREMYLUS Some innkeeper-woman, or a porridge-seller. Otherwise you would not have screeched at us so loudly, when you have suffered no wrong.

POVERTY Is that so? Have you not done the most terrible thing, in seeking to cast me out of every land?

CHREMYLUS Why, is not the Pit left over for you? But you ought to have told us at once who you are.

POVERTY One who will make you pay the penalty this very day, for seeking to make me vanish from here.

BLEPSIDEMUS Can it be the tavern-keeping woman from next door, who is always cheating me with her short measures?

POVERTY I am Poverty, who have dwelt with you both these many years.

BLEPSIDEMUS Lord Apollo and you gods, where can a man flee?

CHREMYLUS You there, what are you doing? You most cowardly of creatures, will you not stand your ground?

BLEPSIDEMUS Least of all men.

CHREMYLUS Will you not stay? Shall two men flee from one woman?

BLEPSIDEMUS But it is Poverty, you wretch, than whom nowhere has any creature been born more utterly abominable.

CHREMYLUS Stand, I beg you, stand!

BLEPSIDEMUS By Zeus, not I.

CHREMYLUS And yet I tell you, we shall do by far the most terrible deed of all deeds, if we abandon the god, leaving him forsaken, and flee somewhere in fear of this woman, and do not fight it out with her.

BLEPSIDEMUS With what weapons, or trusting in what strength? For what breastplate, what shield, does this most foul creature not put in pawn?

CHREMYLUS Take heart; for this god alone, I know well, could set up a trophy over her ways.

POVERTY You dare even to grumble, you filth, caught red-handed doing terrible things?

CHREMYLUS And you, accursed creature, why do you come and abuse us, when you have suffered no wrong at all?

POVERTY Do you think it no wrong, by the gods, that you try to make Wealth see again?

CHREMYLUS How do we wrong you in this, if we furnish good to all mankind?

POVERTY And what good could you two find out?

CHREMYLUS What? By first casting you out of Greece.

POVERTY Casting me out? And what greater evil do you suppose you two could work upon mankind?

CHREMYLUS What? Why, if we were minded to do this and then forgot.

POVERTY Well then, I am willing to give you both an account on this very point at the start; and if I prove that I alone am the cause of all good things to you, and that it is through me that you live — well and good; but if not, then do whatever you please.

CHREMYLUS Do you dare to say such things, you most foul one?

POVERTY You too, learn from me; for I think I shall very easily prove you wrong in everything, if you say you will make the just rich.

CHREMYLUS O cudgels and pillories, will you not help me?

POVERTY You must not rage and shout before you have learned.

CHREMYLUS And who could help shouting "Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!" on hearing such things?

POVERTY Anyone who is sound in mind.

CHREMYLUS And what penalty shall I write down for you in the suit, if you lose?

POVERTY Whatever you please.

CHREMYLUS Well said.

POVERTY For the same must be suffered by you two, if you are beaten.

CHREMYLUS Do you think twenty deaths enough?

BLEPSIDEMUS For her, yes; but for us two, two will suffice.

POVERTY You had best be quick about it; for what could anyone say against it that is just?

CHORUS Now it is time for you to say something wise, by which you may defeat this woman, contending with her in argument; and yield nothing soft.

CHREMYLUS I think it is plain for all alike to see, that it is just for the good among men to prosper, but for the wicked and the godless the opposite, no doubt. Now we, desiring this, have hardly managed to find out a plan that is fine and noble and useful for every purpose. For if Wealth now sees, and does not wander about blind, he will go to the good among men and will not forsake them, and will flee from the wicked and the godless; and then he will make all men good, and rich of course, and reverent toward the gods. And yet who could ever find out anything better than this for mankind?

BLEPSIDEMUS No one; I am your witness to that; do not ask her anything.

CHREMYLUS For as life is now ordered for us mortals, who would not think it madness, and downright wretchedness besides? For many men, being wicked, are rich, having gathered their wealth unjustly; while many, being thoroughly good, fare badly and go hungry, and are with you for the most part.

POVERTY But you, of all men the easiest to be persuaded out of your senses, you two old men, fellow-revelers in folly and madness — if this thing came to pass that you desire, I say it would not profit you. For if Wealth should see again and distribute himself equally, no man would practice any craft or any wisdom; and with both of these abolished from your midst, who will be willing to forge bronze, or build ships, or stitch, or make wheels, or cut leather, or make bricks, or wash clothes, or tan hides, or break the floor of the earth with the plow and reap the fruit of Deo, if it is possible for you to live idle, taking no care for any of these things?

CHREMYLUS What rubbish you talk! All these things that you have just now recited, our servants will labor at for us.

POVERTY And where will you get servants?

CHREMYLUS We shall buy them, of course, for money.

POVERTY And who in the first place will be the seller, when he too has money?

CHREMYLUS Some merchant wanting to make a profit, come from Thessaly, where there are the most slave-dealers.

POVERTY But there will not be a single slave-dealer at all, in the first place, by the reasoning you give. For what rich man will be willing to do this, risking his own life?

CHREMYLUS [no good answer.]

POVERTY So that you yourself, compelled to plow and dig and toil at everything else, will wear out a life far more painful than the one you have now.

CHREMYLUS On your own head be it!

POVERTY And further, you will have nowhere to sleep on a couch, for there will be none; nor on coverlets — for who will be willing to weave, when there is gold? Nor to perfume with dripping unguents when you bring home a bride, nor to adorn her at great cost with embroidered, brightly-dyed garments. And yet what is the advantage of being rich, if you go without all these things? Whereas from me you have ready at hand all the things you need; for I sit, like a mistress, compelling the craftsman through want and poverty to seek out where he may get his living.

CHREMYLUS And what good could you provide, except blisters from the baths, and a rabble of half-starved children and little old women? The number of lice and gnats and fleas I will not even tell you, for their multitude, which buzzing about one's head are a torment, rousing one up and saying, "You will be hungry — get up!" And besides these things, to have a rag instead of a cloak; and instead of a bed, a litter of rushes full of bugs, which wakes the sleepers; and to have a rotten mat instead of a carpet; and for a pillow a great stone at one's head; and to eat mallow-shoots instead of bread, and instead of barley-cake the leaves of withered radishes; and instead of a stool the head of a broken jar; and instead of a kneading-trough the cracked side of a wine-cask, and that one cracked too. Now do I not prove you the cause of many good things to all mankind?

POVERTY The life you have described is not mine, but you have struck at the life of beggars.

CHREMYLUS Well, do we not say that Poverty is sister to Beggary?

POVERTY Yes, you who also say that Dionysius is the same as Thrasybulus. But my life has not suffered this, no by Zeus, nor will it. For the beggar's life, which you describe, is to live possessing nothing; but the poor man's is to live thriftily and applying himself to his work, with nothing left over, yet without falling short.

CHREMYLUS How blessed a life, by Demeter, you have described for him, if, after being thrifty and toiling, he is to leave behind not even enough to be buried!

POVERTY You try to mock and play the comedian, neglecting to be serious, not knowing that I provide better men than Wealth, both in mind and in body. For with him they are gout-ridden and pot-bellied and thick-legged and outrageously fat, but with me they are lean and wasp-waisted and a torment to their enemies.

CHREMYLUS It is from hunger, perhaps, that you provide them with that wasp-waist.

POVERTY Now then, I will go on to speak to you about self-control, and teach you that orderliness dwells with me, but insolence belongs to Wealth.

CHREMYLUS Yes indeed, it is very orderly to steal and to bore through walls.

BLEPSIDEMUS By Zeus — if a man must escape notice, how is it not orderly?

POVERTY Look then at the orators in the cities: how, when they are poor, they are just toward the people and the city; but once they have grown rich from the public funds, they become unjust on the spot, and plot against the multitude and make war upon the people.

CHREMYLUS Well, in none of this do you lie, though you are very malicious. But none the less you shall pay for it — do not put on airs at all on that account — because you seek to persuade us of this, that Poverty is better than Wealth.

POVERTY And you are not yet able to refute me on this point, but you talk nonsense and flap your wings.

CHREMYLUS And how is it that all men flee from you?

POVERTY Because I make them better. One can see it best from children; for they flee from their fathers, who are minded what is best for them. So hard a thing it is to discern the just.

CHREMYLUS Then you will say that Zeus does not rightly discern the best; for he too keeps Wealth —

BLEPSIDEMUS — and sends this woman off to us.

POVERTY But you two — both blear-eyed in your wits with rheum as old as Cronos — Zeus indeed is poor, and this I shall now plainly teach you. For if he were rich, how is it that, when he himself holds the Olympic games, where he gathers all the Greeks together every fifth year, he proclaims the victorious athletes and crowns them with a crown of wild olive? Yet he ought rather to crown them with gold, if he were rich.

CHREMYLUS Why, by this very thing he shows that he honors Wealth; for being thrifty and wishing none of him to be spent, he binds the victors with trifles and keeps Wealth by himself.

POVERTY You seek to fasten on him a thing far more shameful than Poverty, if, being rich, he is so illiberal and fond of gain.

CHREMYLUS But may Zeus destroy you, crowning you with a crown of wild olive!

POVERTY To dare to gainsay that all good things come to you through Poverty —

CHREMYLUS From Hecate one may learn this, whether to be rich or to go hungry is better. For she says that those who have and are rich send out a dinner every month, but that the poor among men snatch it away before it is even set down.

CHREMYLUS Off with you, and do not grunt one word more, anything at all. For you will not persuade us, not even if you do persuade us.

POVERTY O city of Argos, hear what he says!

CHREMYLUS Call Pauson, your mess-mate.

POVERTY What shall I suffer, wretched me?

CHREMYLUS Go to the crows, and quickly, away from us!

POVERTY And to what part of the earth shall I go?

CHREMYLUS To the pillory; but you ought not to dawdle, but be quick.

POVERTY Truly you two shall yet summon me back here.

CHREMYLUS Then you shall return; but now, be off. For it is better for me to be rich, and to let you go and wail your head off the long way home.

BLEPSIDEMUS By Zeus, I at least, when I am rich, mean to feast with my children and my wife, and, after bathing, to come oiled and gleaming from the bath, and break wind in the face of the craftsmen and of Poverty.

[Poverty departs.]

CHREMYLUS This pest of ours is gone. But you and I, as quickly as may be, let us lead the god to lie down for sleep in the temple of Asclepius.

BLEPSIDEMUS Yes, and let us not dawdle, lest someone come again and hinder us from doing some part of the business.

CHREMYLUS Boy, Carion, you must bring out the bedding, and lead Wealth himself, as is the custom, and all else that has been made ready indoors.

[The Chorus dances.]

CARION O you old men who have so often sopped up your portion at the Theseia for the scantiest barley-meal, how lucky you are, how blessedly you have fared — you and all others who have a share in the honest way!

CHORUS What is it, best of your own friends? For you seem to come as the messenger of some good news.

CARION My master has fared most fortunately — or rather Wealth himself; for from being blind he has had his eyes opened and his pupils made bright, having met with the kindly healing of Asclepius.

CHORUS You tell me joy, you tell me a cause to shout aloud!

CARION Rejoice you may, whether you wish it or not.

CHORUS I will cry aloud upon Asclepius, blessed in his children, a great light to mortals.

WIFE What in the world is this shouting? Is some good thing being announced? For longing for this I have been sitting indoors this long while, waiting for this fellow.

CARION Quick, quick, bring wine, mistress, so that you too may drink — and you love doing it dearly — for I bring you all good things together.

WIFE And where are they?

CARION You will know soon, from what I tell.

WIFE Then make an end and tell what you have to say, and be quick.

CARION Listen, then, for I shall tell you the whole business from the feet to the head.

WIFE No, please — not on my head!

CARION Not the good things that have now come to pass?

WIFE No, not the business.

CARION As soon as we came to the god, leading the man then most wretched, but now as blessed and happy as any other, first we led him to the sea, then we washed him.

WIFE By Zeus, a happy man indeed, an old fellow washed in the cold sea!

CARION Then we went to the precinct of the god. And when the cakes and the preliminary offerings had been consecrated on the altar, the meal-offering, to the flame of Hephaestus, we laid Wealth down, as was fitting; and each of us spread himself a pallet.

WIFE And were there others too, asking favor of the god?

CARION There was one, Neocleides, who is blind, but in thieving has outshot those who can see; and many others too, having all sorts of diseases. And when the attendant of the god, having put out the lamps, bade us go to sleep, telling us to keep silent if any one of us should hear a noise, we all lay down in good order. And I could not sleep, but a certain pot of porridge that lay a little way off from the head of an old woman drove me to distraction, and I longed marvelously to creep up to it. Then, looking up, I see the priest snatching the cakes and the dried figs from the holy table; after this he went round all the altars in a circle, to see if any cake had been left anywhere; and then he consecrated these things into a sack. And I, thinking the deed full of holiness, get up to go for the pot of porridge.

WIFE You most reckless of men, were you not afraid of the god?

CARION By the gods, I was — afraid he might get to the pot before me with his fillets on; for his priest had taught me beforehand. And the little old woman, when she heard my noise, reached out her hand; and then I hissed and seized it with my teeth, as if I were a sacred snake. And she at once drew back her hand again, and lay there, wrapping herself up quietly, breaking wind from fear more pungently than a weasel. And then I gobbled up a great deal of the porridge; and when I was full, I left off.

WIFE And the god did not come to you?

CARION Not yet. And after this I did something rather funny too. For as he was coming near, I broke wind very loudly; for my belly was distended.

WIFE Surely then he loathed you for it at once.

CARION No, but Iaso, who was following along, blushed a little, and Panacea turned away her nose, holding it; for it is not frankincense I break wind with.

WIFE But the god himself?

CARION By Zeus, he did not even mind.

WIFE You are saying, then, that the god is a boor.

CARION By Zeus, not I, but a dung-eater.

WIFE Oh, you wretch!

CARION After this I at once muffled myself up in fear, and he went round in a circle, inspecting all the diseases very orderly. Then a boy set beside him a stone mortar and a pestle and a little box.

WIFE A stone box?

CARION No, by Zeus, not the box.

WIFE But how could you see, you scoundrel doomed to a vile end, you who say you were muffled up?

CARION Through my little cloak; for it had not a few holes, by Zeus. First of all he set about pounding a plaster for Neocleides, throwing in three heads of Tenian garlic. Then he crushed them in the mortar, mixing in fig-juice and squill; then, moistening it with Sphettian vinegar, he turned back the man's eyelids and plastered them, so that he might smart the more. And he, shrieking and bawling, leaped up and fled; and the god laughed and said, "Now sit there plastered, so that I may stop you from putting in your oaths against the assemblies."

WIFE What a patriotic and clever spirit the god is!

CARION After this he sat down beside Wealth, and first he touched his head, then taking a clean napkin he wiped around his eyelids; and Panacea covered his head with a purple cloth, and all his face. Then the god made a clucking sound. And there darted out from the temple two serpents, of prodigious size.

WIFE O dear gods!

CARION And these two, slipping quietly under the purple cloth, licked round his eyelids, as it seemed to me; and before you could drink down ten cups of wine, Wealth, mistress, stood up, able to see; and I clapped my hands together for joy and woke my master. And the god straightway vanished, himself and the serpents, into the temple. And those who lay there beside Wealth — how do you suppose they embraced him, and kept awake the whole night long until the day broke through! And I praised the god most heartily, because he had quickly made Wealth see, but made Neocleides all the blinder.

WIFE How great is your power, O lord and master! But tell me, where is Wealth?

CARION He is coming. But there was a prodigious crowd about him. For those who were formerly just and had little to live on embraced him and shook his hand, all of them, for joy; but all who were rich and had abundant property, having got their living by no just means, drew their brows together and scowled at the same time. And the others followed behind, garlanded, laughing, crying good words; and the old men's shoes resounded with the rhythmic tramp of their advancing feet. But come now, all of you with one accord, dance and skip and lead the chorus; for no one, as you go in, will bring you word that there is no barley-meal in the sack.

WIFE By Hecate, I too wish to garland you with a string of barley-loaves, as good tidings, for bringing such a message.

CARION Then do not delay any longer, for the men are now near the doors.

WIFE Come then, I will go in and fetch the welcome-sweets, as for newly-bought eyes.

CARION And I wish to go and meet them.

[Carion goes off. The Chorus sings a short song.]

PLUTUS And first I make obeisance to the Sun, then to the famous ground of holy Pallas, and to all the land of Cecrops, which has received me. I am ashamed of my own misfortunes — with what men I was keeping company, all unaware, while those worthy of my fellowship I fled, knowing nothing. Wretched me, in that I did neither that nor this rightly! But now I will reverse it all again, and show henceforth to all men that it was against my will that I gave myself over to the wicked.

CHREMYLUS Go to the crows! How troublesome are the friends who appear all at once when a man is doing well. For they nudge and bruise my shins, each one showing off some goodwill. For who did not greet me? What crowd of old men did not garland round about me in the marketplace?

WIFE O dearest of men, you too and you — welcome, both of you. Come now, for it is the custom, let me take these welcome-sweets and pour them over you.

PLUTUS By no means. For as I come into the house for the first time and have my sight, it is not seemly to carry anything out, but rather to carry in.

WIFE Then will you not accept the welcome-sweets?

PLUTUS Yes, indoors, by the hearth, as is the custom; and then too we would escape the vulgar joke. For it is not seemly for the poet to throw figs and sweetmeats to the spectators, and then on that account force them to laugh.

WIFE You speak very well; for here is Dexinicus already getting up, meaning to snatch the figs.

[They go in. The Chorus dances.]

CARION How sweet it is, sirs, to fare prosperously, and that too without having brought anything out of the house! For a heap of good things has burst into our home, though we have done no wrong. The flour-bin is full of white barley-meal, and the jars of dark fragrant wine. All our little vessels are full of silver and gold, so that it is a wonder. The well is full of oil; the flasks are brimming with perfume, and the upper room with dried figs. Every vinegar-cruet and little dish and pot has turned to bronze; and the rotten little fish-platters you may see turned to silver. The oven has suddenly become ivory for us. We servants play odd-and-even with gold staters; and we wipe ourselves no longer with stones, but with little leeks every time, out of luxury. And now my master is indoors sacrificing an ox — a pig and a goat and a ram, garlanded; but the smoke drove me out. For I could not stay inside, for it stung my eyes.

JUST MAN Follow me, my boy, that we may go to the god.

CARION Hello! Who is this fellow coming this way?

JUST MAN A man formerly wretched, but now fortunate.

CARION It is plain that you are, it seems, one of the good sort.

JUST MAN Indeed I am.

CARION And then, what do you want?

JUST MAN I come to the god; for he is the cause of great good things to me. For I, having received a sufficient estate from my father, used to assist those of my friends who were in need, thinking it useful for life.

CARION And your money soon ran out on you, I suppose.

JUST MAN Entirely so.

CARION And after that you were wretched.

JUST MAN Entirely so. And I thought that those whom I had benefited while they were in need would be friends truly steadfast, if ever I should be in need; but they turned away and would no longer seem to see me.

CARION And they laughed at you too, I know well.

JUST MAN Entirely so; for the drought of my vessels was the ruin of me.

CARION But not now.

JUST MAN Wherefore I come here to pray to the god in just gratitude.

CARION And what, in the gods' name, can the little cloak do, which the boy here carries with you? Tell me.

JUST MAN This too I come to dedicate to the god.

CARION Surely you were not initiated in the Great Mysteries in it?

JUST MAN No, but I shivered in it for thirteen years.

CARION And the shoes?

JUST MAN These too weathered the winters with me.

CARION And you brought these to dedicate as well?

JUST MAN By Zeus.

CARION Charming gifts indeed you come bringing to the god!

INFORMER Alas, ill-starred me, how I am ruined, wretch that I am, and ill-starred, four times and five times and twelve times and ten thousand times! Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo! With so fruitful a fate have I been mixed up.

CARION Apollo, avert it, and you friendly gods! What in the world is the evil this man has suffered?

INFORMER Have I not now suffered grievous things, having lost everything out of my house because of this god, who will be blind again, unless the lawsuits give out?

JUST MAN I think I pretty well understand the matter. There comes a man faring badly, and he seems to be of the wicked stamp.

CARION By Zeus, then he is rightly destroyed.

INFORMER Where, where is he, this fellow who alone promised that he would make us all rich at once, if only he should see again from the start? But he has utterly ruined some men far more.

CARION And whom, pray, has he done this to?

INFORMER To me here.

CARION Were you, then, one of the wicked and the wall-borers?

INFORMER By Zeus, no — rather there is nothing sound in any of you, and there is no way you do not have my money.

CARION How insolently, by Demeter, the informer has come in! It is plain he is ravenous with hunger.

INFORMER You — you had best go to the marketplace at once; for there you must be stretched on the wheel and tell what crimes you have committed.

CARION You shall howl for that.

JUST MAN By Zeus the Savior, the god is worth a great deal to all the Greeks, in that he will destroy the informers, wicked men, in wicked fashion.

INFORMER Alas, wretched me! Are you too in the plot, laughing at me? Else where did you get this cloak? Yesterday I saw you with a threadbare one.

JUST MAN I think nothing of you. For I wear it, having bought this ring from Eudamus for a drachma.

CARION But there is no protection against an informer's bite.

INFORMER Is not this great insolence? You two mock, but you have not said what you are doing here. You are not here for any good purpose.

JUST MAN By Zeus, not for yours, at any rate, be assured of it.

INFORMER For by Zeus you will dine off my goods.

CARION As if it were truly so — may you, with your witness, burst, filled with nothing at all!

INFORMER You deny it? There is indoors, you most foul pair, a great quantity of fish-steaks and roasted meats. Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff!

CARION Do you smell something, you wretch?

JUST MAN The cold, perhaps; since he is wrapped in such a threadbare cloak.

INFORMER Is this, then, to be borne, O Zeus and you gods, that these men should insult me thus? Oh, how it grieves me that, being honest and patriotic, I suffer ill!

JUST MAN You, patriotic and honest?

INFORMER As no man is.

JUST MAN Well then, answer me when I question you.

INFORMER What is it?

JUST MAN Are you a farmer?

INFORMER Do you think me so mad?

JUST MAN A merchant, then?

INFORMER Yes, I make that my pretext, when it suits me.

JUST MAN What then? Did you learn some craft?

INFORMER By Zeus, no.

JUST MAN Then how did you live, or from where, doing nothing?

INFORMER I am the overseer of the affairs of the city, public and private, all of them.

JUST MAN You? On what claim?

INFORMER I wish to be.

JUST MAN Then how could you be honest, you wall-borer, if, having no concern in a matter, you make yourself hated for it?

INFORMER Is it not my concern to benefit my own city, you booby, as much as I am able?

JUST MAN Is meddling, then, the same as benefiting?

INFORMER It is rather to come to the aid of the established laws, and not to allow it if anyone breaks them.

JUST MAN Does not the city deliberately appoint jurymen to rule on this?

INFORMER And who brings the accusation?

JUST MAN Whoever wishes.

INFORMER Then I am that man, so that the affairs of the city come down to me.

JUST MAN By Zeus, then she has a wicked champion. But would you not prefer this — to live quietly, in idleness?

INFORMER But that is the life of a sheep you describe, if no occupation appears for one's life.

JUST MAN Nor would you learn a new way of living?

INFORMER No, not if you gave me Wealth himself and the silphium of Battus.

JUST MAN Take off your cloak, and quickly.

CARION You there, he is speaking to you.

JUST MAN Then take off your shoes.

CARION All this he is saying to you.

INFORMER Well then, let whoever of you wishes come forward to me here.

CARION Then I am that man.

INFORMER Alas, wretched me, I am being stripped in broad daylight!

CARION For you expect to eat while you meddle in other men's affairs.

INFORMER Do you see what you are doing? This I call to witness.

JUST MAN But the witness you brought has fled and is gone.

INFORMER Alas, I am hemmed in alone.

CARION Now you shout?

INFORMER Alas, again and again!

CARION Give me your threadbare cloak, that I may clothe this informer in it.

JUST MAN No, do not; it has long been sacred to Wealth.

CARION Then where could it be better dedicated than upon a wicked man and a wall-borer? Wealth it befits to adorn with grand garments.

JUST MAN And what is one to do with the shoes? Tell me.

CARION These too I will at once nail to his forehead here, as one nails offerings to a wild olive.

INFORMER I am off; for I know I am much your inferior. But if I get myself a partner, and a fig-wood one at that, I will make this mighty god this very day pay the penalty, because, being one man alone, he is manifestly overthrowing the democracy, without having persuaded the Council of the citizens or the Assembly.

JUST MAN And since you walk off wearing my full panoply, run to the bath-house; then stand there at the head of the line and warm yourself. For I too held that station once.

CARION But the bath-man will drag him out, seizing him by the privates; for seeing him he will recognize that he is of that wicked stamp. But let us two go in, that you may pray to the god.

[They go in. The Chorus dances.]

OLD WOMAN Have we really come, dear old men, to the house of this new god, or have we missed the road altogether?

CHORUS Know that you have arrived at the very doors, my little maid; for you ask in a blooming way.

OLD WOMAN Come then, let me call someone from within.

CHREMYLUS No need; for I myself have come out. But you ought to say why above all you have come.

OLD WOMAN I have suffered terrible and lawless things, dearest one; for ever since this god began to see, he has made life unlivable for me.

CHREMYLUS What is it? Were you too, perhaps, a she-informer among the women?

OLD WOMAN By Zeus, not I.

CHREMYLUS But were you not drinking out of turn at the lottery?

OLD WOMAN You mock; but I am scratched to bits, poor wretch.

CHREMYLUS Will you not finish quickly and tell what the scratching is?

OLD WOMAN Listen then. I had a young man for a friend, poor indeed, but otherwise handsome and fair and honest; for if I ever needed anything of him, he did it all for me decently and well; and I supplied him with all these things in return.

CHREMYLUS And what was it he chiefly needed of you each time?

OLD WOMAN Not much; for he was wonderfully modest with me. He would ask for twenty silver drachmas for a cloak, and eight for shoes; and he would bid me buy a little tunic for his sisters and a little cloak for his mother; and he would need four bushels of wheat.

CHREMYLUS Not much, by Apollo, is what you have mentioned, but it is plain he was modest with you.

OLD WOMAN And these things, he said, he asked not out of greed, but out of affection, that wearing my cloak he might remember me.

CHREMYLUS You describe a man in love in the most extraordinary way.

OLD WOMAN But now the rogue no longer has the same mind, but is very much changed. For when I sent him this cake and the other sweets here on the dish, and hinted that I would come in the evening —

CHREMYLUS What did he do to you? Tell me.

OLD WOMAN He sent this milk-cake back to us besides, on condition that I should never come there again; and on top of this he said, sending it back, that "long ago the Milesians were brave."

CHREMYLUS It is plain the fellow was not bad in his ways; but now, being rich, he no longer takes pleasure in lentil soup; whereas before, out of poverty, he would gobble up everything.

OLD WOMAN And indeed before, every day, by the two goddesses, he would always come to my door.

CHREMYLUS To a funeral?

OLD WOMAN By Zeus, no, but longing only to hear my voice.

CHREMYLUS For the sake of getting something, rather.

OLD WOMAN And, by Zeus, if he saw me grieved, he would coax me with pet names like "little duck" and "little dove."

CHREMYLUS And then perhaps he would ask you for money to buy shoes.

OLD WOMAN And when I was riding on the wagon at the Great Mysteries, because some man looked at me, I was beaten on that account the whole day long. So exceedingly jealous was the young man.

CHREMYLUS For he liked, it seems, to eat alone.

OLD WOMAN And he used to say I had very lovely hands.

CHREMYLUS Whenever they held out twenty drachmas, that is.

OLD WOMAN And he said my skin smelled sweet.

CHREMYLUS If you were pouring out Thasian wine, reasonably enough, by Zeus.

OLD WOMAN And that I had a soft and lovely glance.

CHREMYLUS The man was no fool, but knew how to eat up the income of a lustful old woman.

OLD WOMAN In this, then, dear sir, the god does not act rightly, though he claims always to help the wronged.

CHREMYLUS What is he to do? Say, and it shall be done.

OLD WOMAN It is just, by Zeus, to compel the man who has been well treated by me to do me good in return; or else it is just for him to have no good thing at all.

CHREMYLUS Why, did he not pay you back every night?

OLD WOMAN But he said he would never leave me while I lived.

CHREMYLUS Rightly; but now he thinks you no longer live.

OLD WOMAN For I have wasted away with grief, dear sir.

CHREMYLUS No, you have rotted away, it seems to me.

OLD WOMAN You could draw me through a finger-ring.

CHREMYLUS If the ring happened to be a sieve-hoop.

OLD WOMAN And look, here is the young man approaching, the very one I have been accusing all this while; and he seems to be going to a revel.

CHREMYLUS So it appears; at any rate he comes with a garland and a torch.

YOUTH I greet you.

OLD WOMAN What does he say?

YOUTH My old flame, you have gone gray quickly, by heaven!

OLD WOMAN Wretched me, for the insolence with which I am insulted!

CHREMYLUS It seems he has not seen you for a long while.

OLD WOMAN A long while, poor wretch — when he was with me yesterday!

CHREMYLUS Then he has suffered the opposite of most men; for being drunk, it seems, he sees the sharper.

OLD WOMAN No, but he is always insolent in his ways.

YOUTH O Poseidon of the Sea and you ancient gods, what a number of wrinkles she has on her face!

OLD WOMAN Ah, ah! Do not bring the torch near me.

CHREMYLUS Indeed he speaks well; for if one single spark catch her, she will burn up like an old harvest-wreath.

YOUTH Do you want to play with me, now that it has been a while?

OLD WOMAN Where, you wretch?

YOUTH Here, taking some nuts.

OLD WOMAN What game?

YOUTH How many teeth you have.

CHREMYLUS Well, I can guess too; for she has perhaps three or four.

YOUTH Pay up; for she has only a single grinder.

OLD WOMAN Most wretched of men, you do not seem to me to be sound in mind, making a washtub of me before so many men.

YOUTH You would profit, indeed, if someone should wash you out.

CHREMYLUS Not at all; since now she is got up like a tavern-wench, but if this white lead is washed off, you will see the rags of her face plain.

OLD WOMAN Being an old man, you do not seem to me to be sound in mind.

YOUTH Perhaps he is making advances to you, and is touching your little breasts, thinking to escape my notice.

OLD WOMAN By Aphrodite, not mine, you filthy fellow.

CHREMYLUS By Hecate, certainly not; for I should be mad. But, young man, I cannot allow you to hate this maiden.

YOUTH But I love her exceedingly.

CHREMYLUS And yet she brings a charge against you.

YOUTH What charge?

CHREMYLUS She says you are insolent and say that "long ago the Milesians were brave."

YOUTH I will not fight with you over her.

CHREMYLUS How is that?

YOUTH Out of respect for your age; since I would never have allowed another man to do this. But now go off rejoicing, and take the maiden with you.

CHREMYLUS I know, I know your mind: you no longer think it fitting, perhaps, to be with her.

OLD WOMAN And who is there to allow it?

YOUTH I would not converse with a woman who has been worn out by thirteen thousand years.

CHREMYLUS Nevertheless, since you saw fit to drink the wine, you must drink the lees down with it.

YOUTH But the lees are utterly old and rotten.

CHREMYLUS Then a lees-strainer will cure all that.

YOUTH But go inside; for I wish to go to the god and dedicate these garlands that I have.

OLD WOMAN And I wish to tell him something too.

YOUTH Then I will not go in.

CHREMYLUS Take heart, do not be afraid; for she will not force you.

YOUTH You speak very well, then. For long enough I caulked her bottom before.

OLD WOMAN Go on; I shall come in behind you.

CHREMYLUS How vigorously, O King Zeus, the little old woman clung to the young man like a limpet!

[They go in. The Chorus dances.]

CARION Who is it knocking at the door? What was that? No one, it seems; but the little door, then, creaking for nothing, shall howl for it.

HERMES You there, I am speaking to you, Carion — wait.

CARION You there, tell me, were you the one knocking so hard at the door?

HERMES By Zeus, no; rather I was about to, and then you opened it before me. But run quick and call out your master, then his wife and his children, then the servants, then the dog, then yourself, and then the sow.

CARION Tell me, what is it?

HERMES Zeus, you wretch, wishes to whisk you all together into the same bowl and hurl you, every one, into the Pit.

CARION The herald's tongue is cut out for such news. But why in the world does he plot to do this to us?

HERMES Because you have done the most terrible of all things. For ever since Wealth began at first to see, no one any longer sacrifices to us gods either frankincense, or bay, or barley-cake, or a victim, or anything else at all.

CARION By Zeus, no, nor will he. For you took bad care of us in those days.

HERMES And for the other gods I care less, but I myself am ruined and undone.

CARION You are wise.

HERMES For before, I used to have all good things at the tavern-women's, first thing in the morning — wine-cake, honey, dried figs, all that it is fitting for Hermes to eat. But now I lie idle with my feet up, hungry.

CARION And rightly so, since you would sometimes do a damage, having such good things.

HERMES Alas, wretched me, alas for the cake baked for me on the fourth of the month!

CARION You long for the absent, and call in vain.

HERMES Alas for the ham I used to gobble down!

CARION Hop on one leg there, in the open air.

HERMES And for the warm innards I used to gobble!

CARION Some pain seems to twist you about the innards.

HERMES Alas for the cup mixed half and half!

CARION Gulp this down and run off — you had best be quick.

HERMES Would you do any service to your own friend?

CARION If it is something I am able to help you in.

HERMES If you would get me a well-baked loaf and give it me to eat, and a hearty piece of meat from what you sacrifice indoors.

CARION But there is no carrying-out.

HERMES And yet, whenever you filched some little vessel of your master's, I always made you escape his notice.

CARION On condition that you shared in it yourself, you wall-borer. For a well-baked pastry would come to you.

HERMES And then you yourself would eat it up.

CARION For you did not get an equal share of the blows with me, whenever I was caught in some piece of knavery.

HERMES Do not bear a grudge, now that you have taken Phyle. But by the gods, receive me as a fellow-lodger.

CARION Then will you stay here, abandoning the gods?

HERMES For things are much better with you.

CARION What? Do you think it a fine thing to desert?

HERMES "Every land is a fatherland where a man fares well."

CARION What use, then, would you be to us, being here?

HERMES Set me up beside the door as Hermes-of-the-Hinge.

CARION Of the Hinge? But there is no work of hinge-tricks now.

HERMES Then as Hermes-of-Trade.

CARION But we are rich. Why then must we keep a Hermes the retail-huckster?

HERMES Then as Hermes-of-Guile.

CARION Of Guile? By no means; for now there is no work for guile, but for honest ways.

HERMES Then as Hermes-the-Guide.

CARION But the god now sees, so that we shall no longer need a guide.

HERMES Then I will be Hermes-of-the-Games. What will you say to that? For this is most advantageous to Wealth — to hold contests in music and gymnastics.

CARION What a good thing it is to have many surnames! For this fellow has found himself a little livelihood. No wonder all the jurymen are eager so often to be enrolled in many letters.

HERMES Then on these terms shall I go in?

CARION Yes, and go yourself to the well and wash the tripe, that you may seem at once to be a serviceable fellow.

[They go in. The Chorus dances.]

PRIEST Who could tell me clearly where Chremylus is?

CHREMYLUS What is it, good sir?

PRIEST What else but bad? For ever since this Wealth began to see, I am undone by hunger. For I have nothing to eat, and that though I am priest of Zeus the Savior.

CHREMYLUS And what is the cause, in the gods' name?

PRIEST No one any longer thinks it worth while to sacrifice.

CHREMYLUS On what account?

PRIEST Because everyone is rich. And yet then, when they had nothing, the merchant on coming home would sacrifice some victim, having been saved, and another man on being acquitted in a suit, and another would offer good omens and call me, the priest, in. But now not a single man sacrifices anything at all, nor even comes in, except more than ten thousand who come to relieve themselves.

CHREMYLUS Then do you not take the customary dues from these?

PRIEST Therefore I think I too will say goodbye to Zeus the Savior and stay on here myself.

CHREMYLUS Take heart; for all shall be well, if the god is willing. For Zeus the Savior is here, having come of his own accord.

PRIEST Then you tell all good news.

CHREMYLUS So we will establish him at once — but wait — Wealth, in the very place where he was established before, ever guarding the back-chamber of the goddess. But let someone bring out here lighted torches, that holding one you may go before the god in procession.

PRIEST Indeed it must be done so.

CHREMYLUS Let someone call Wealth out here.

OLD WOMAN And what am I to do?

CHREMYLUS Take the pots with which we shall establish the god, and carry them on your head solemnly; you yourself came with an embroidered dress on.

OLD WOMAN And the thing I came for?

CHREMYLUS All shall be done for you. For the young man shall come to you in the evening.

OLD WOMAN Well then, if you really go surety to me, by Zeus, that he will come to me, I will carry the pots.

CHREMYLUS And indeed these pots do the very opposite of other pots. For with all other pots the scum is on top; but now, over this old woman, the pots are set on top.

CHORUS Then it is no longer fitting for us to linger either, but to draw back to the rear; for we must follow behind these men, singing.